“At this point we’re out of options,” climatologists admit.

CINCINNATI, OH ?Scientists at the National Oceanographic and Atmospheric Administration have given up hope for the nation after a recently deployed Old Spice commercial failed to stop an unprecedented polar vortex from consuming the United States in its icy grip.

“That commercial was our last desperate hope,” said a fictitious public relations representative at a completely made-up press conference. “It’s official: we’re fucked.”

Researchers at NOAA were quick to point out that the massive swirling column of frigid arctic air did present at least one major positive, namely, the really cool name that the press came up for it.

“I mean, c’mon, we’re calling it a polar vortex,” said one NOAA employee.

“That’s awesome,” he added.

“I mean is he still going to be worth $24M/year when he’s 41?” asks deceased South African President.

CAPETOWN, SOUTH AFRICA ?As part of a post-mortem press conference with gathered journalists from around the world, former South African president and global inspiration Nelson Mandela offered his thoughts on a variety of subjects, including the recent blockbuster 10-year, $240M deal signed by perennial All-Star Robinson Cano, formerly of the New York Yankees, with the Seattle Mariners.

“First of all, I think it’s pretty absurd that anyone gets paid that much money to hit a base ball, no matter how hard it is to do,” remarked the man who once spent 27 years in prison before rising to the presidency and uniting a nation plagued by Apartheid and the ghosts of British colonialism.

“Although when I think about how much money the owners are making off of the players’ talent and ability, I guess it sort of makes sense??I don’t know,” he added.

President Mandela then spoke at length about the challenges that face the African continent before returning to the original topic.

“I’m just not sure about Curtis Granderson going to the Amazin’s,” said the Nobel Peace Prize winner who died yesterday. “Is that going to be a good move? Is it just about the money? Would he have stayed on with the Yankees if they hadn’t signed Jacoby Ellsbury?”

At press time, the beloved philanthropist and symbol for hope was seen speaking to aides about the wisdom or folly of conducting the Superbowl in a cold-weather city.

SEATTLE, WA ?The Amazon Prime Air delivery service today reported that its drones have confirmed that Olympian Tom Daley, who recently came out in a dramatic YouTube video, does not play for the top-ranked NFC West Seattle Seahawks.

“There were rumors prior to the start of this NFL season that an active professional football player would come out as gay,” explained an Amazon spokesperson. “Tom Daley, although an accomplished athlete, is in no way, shape, or form affiliated with the National Football League or the Seattle Seahawks.”

The news came as a huge relief to millions of bigoted Americans who are convinced that the nation’s most-watched sport contains absolutely no homosexuals, and never has, and never will, despite common sense and significant statistical studies to the contrary, not to mention widespread rumors surrounding certain of its participants, some of whom have indeed come out following their retirements.

GETTYSBURG, PA ?Assassinated United States President Abraham Lincoln, famous for his tall lanky frame, stovepipe hat, and distinctive facial hair, told reporters today that he “deeply regrets” that his Gettysburg Address, popularly remembered as having something to do with what the score was in the Civil War at the time it was given, was far too long to be successfully broadcast on Twitter.

“I used words like ‘continent’ and ‘proposition,'” lamented the man whose entire legislative agenda was hijacked by a large group of rascally bellicose southerners. “Do you know how many characters I wasted on ‘consecrate?’ Ten. Ten!”

“Ain’t nobody got time for that!” shouted a heckler from the back of the press room as the man best remembered by current generations as some kind of a vampire slayer nodded sadly in agreement.

Asked if he could give the address over again, the 16th President solemnly distributed the following text to the assembled reporters:

87yrs ago r fthrs mak nu n8shn 4 lbrty & all peeps r =. Now bad war. We here 2 rmbr dead sldrs. We shld fnsh wrk strtd. Govt of ppl not die.

CNN announced that later tonight, in remembrance of The Gettysburg Address, a version of the new and improved speech will be shown as a graphic, edited into a shorter length.

Apparently, multi-millionaire athletes have not been paying attention to the death of the publishing industry.

TAMPA, FL New York Yankees shortstop and future automatic first-ballot Hall of Famer Derek Jeter announced today that next year he will launch a publishing company, evidently making him completely oblivious to the impending death of print-based enterprises.

“This is like Citizen Kane,” said a source with knowledge of the situation who wished to remain anonymous because he hopes to siphon money away from the aging star until he is nothing more than a bankrupt shell of his former self, trading autographs for food out of the back of a van.

“I think books are a great thing, and especially kids should have unlimited access to them,” stated Mr. Jeter, who apparently is unfamiliar with eBooks, books-on-tape, the Internet, declining rates of literacy, or the rapidly growing number of newspapers, magazines, and publishing companies that are careening at breakneck speed towards bankruptcy, or are already there.

“This is a great idea,” concluded the athlete.

At press time, it was announced that one of the publishing company’s first efforts will be a book about how quickly retired sports figures lose all of their money on ill-advised, often completely ridiculous bone-headed investment failures.