GETTYSBURG, PA ?Assassinated United States President Abraham Lincoln, famous for his tall lanky frame, stovepipe hat, and distinctive facial hair, told reporters today that he “deeply regrets” that his Gettysburg Address, popularly remembered as having something to do with what the score was in the Civil War at the time it was given, was far too long to be successfully broadcast on Twitter.
“I used words like ‘continent’ and ‘proposition,'” lamented the man whose entire legislative agenda was hijacked by a large group of rascally bellicose southerners. “Do you know how many characters I wasted on ‘consecrate?’ Ten. Ten!”
“Ain’t nobody got time for that!” shouted a heckler from the back of the press room as the man best remembered by current generations as some kind of a vampire slayer nodded sadly in agreement.
Asked if he could give the address over again, the 16th President solemnly distributed the following text to the assembled reporters:
87yrs ago r fthrs mak nu n8shn 4 lbrty & all peeps r =. Now bad war. We here 2 rmbr dead sldrs. We shld fnsh wrk strtd. Govt of ppl not die.
CNN announced that later tonight, in remembrance of The Gettysburg Address, a version of the new and improved speech will be shown as a graphic, edited into a shorter length.
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