Earth Application Rejected By United Federation of Planets

“Try again in 100 years,” says galactic organization

Founding_Species_of_the_FederationVULCAN – Citing the fall of liberalism in the planet’s major nation-states and the rise of populist demagoguery in its place, the United Federation of Planets voted today to reject Earth’s membership application.

“We regret that the present socio-political climate on Earth, with its skeptical views towards science, its over-emphasis on wealth accumulation, and its growing rates of race and income inequality, is incompatible with the basic tenets of the Federation,” said UFP President Jaresh-Inyo in a tersely-worded written statement.

Per UFP rules, Earth is disqualified from additional consideration for the next hundred years.

World leaders reacted swiftly to condemn the decision.

“The UFP has such great potential but right now it is just a club for people to get together, talk and have a good time. So sad!” tweeted newly inaugurated US President Donald J. Trump.

He was not alone.

“No one wants the UFP to suffer the fate of the League of Planets, which collapsed because it lacked real leverage. This is possible if influential planets bypass the UFP and take military action without Security Council authorization,” announced Russian President Vladimir Putin.

While Earth-based scientists expressed supreme dismay at the decision, which will prevent them from collaborating with colleagues in more advanced civilizations, others moved swiftly to profit from the turn of events.

“We have made inquiries with Viceroy Nute Gunray and Senator Palpatine about joining the Trade Federation,” announced incoming Secretary of State Rex Tillerman.

“What could possibly go wrong?”

NFL Draft Tracker: GOP Hopes To Nab Viable Nominee With 1st Round Pick

Party of Lincoln seeks electric new field general.

CHICAGO  The latest mock drafts show that analysts almost unanimously think the Republican Party will use its first round pick to draft a presidential candidate with broad-based appeal, according to the ESPN Draft Tracker.

“You always want to find a future hall-of-famer on Day One,” declared draft guru Mel Kiper. “This is a passing league, and the Republicans don’t have an obvious signal-caller that can lead the team down the field this fall.”

Sports Illustrated football expert Peter King pointed to the GOP’s dearth of young talent. “Marco Rubio was supposed to be the face of the franchise, and that hasn’t worked out. They’re in desperate need of a youth infusion.”

But not all analysts agree. Walter Cherepinsky of Walter Football writes that the Republicans lack depth on the Supreme Court, Rob Rang of CBS Sports thinks the GOP “should build on strength and focus on Congress,” while NFL.com‘s Daniel Jeremiah believes the party should address it’s deficiencies in the defensive secondary.

The draft starts on Thursday, April 28th.

NRA Awarded $48M Grant To Continue Mass-Scale Sociological Experiment

172915487WASHINGTON, DC – The National Rifle Association (NRA) announced today that it has received a huge cash infusion to support its ongoing social experiment in which firearms are made freely available to the 300 million citizens of a first-world nation.

“We’ve already accomplished a great deal, and we’re very excited about what we can do with the additional funding,” explained lead researcher Dr. Jethro Austin Dylan as a power point presentation showed slides of barely regulated gun shows, children unwrapping semi-automatic weapons under Christmas trees, and the sobbing relatives of deceased shooting victims in the unnamed Western country that is the subject of the study.

When asked what tipped the scales in favor of being awarded the grant NRA scientists pointed out the success of artificially inducing a climate of regular mass-shootings and rampant anti-government paranoia.

“One of the key milestones in the Phase II portion of the study was the widespread escalation of ‘castle doctrine’ laws, which have a very limited application, into ‘stand your ground’ laws, which are nearly universal in scope,” explained Dr. Dylan.

Another important factor cited was the incredible success the research team has enjoyed in keeping the citizens of the first-world nation involved in the study completely in the dark about the fact that they are active participants in possibly the largest and most dangerous sociological experiment ever conducted.

“I mean, guns are in the top levels of government, they’re in the news 24/7, they’re all over the streets, and nobody’s caught on,” gushed Dr. Dylan. “We can’t wait to see what happens in Phase III!” concluded the prominent social scientist.

Galactic Senate To Investigate Female Jedi Uniforms

Jedi_Master_by_CaptVovanCORUSCANT  In a landmark announcement today the Galactic Senate announced that it would launch an unprecedented inquiry into the wardrobe requirements for female members of the Jedi Order.

“They’re supposed to be zen-like ascetics who forswear material possessions and personal attachments, but for some reason they’re all dressed up like Mos Eisley whores,” said Naboo Senator Padme Amidala, chair of the gender equality committee.

The investigation follows on a series of recent scandals in which female Jedi have increasingly been the victims of voyeuristic amateur photographers who have published their work on pornographic websites.

“An online image search for Ahsoka Tano or Aayla Secura yields results that are, shall we say, not safe for work,” Senator Amidala further opined. “What kind of example are these professionals setting?”

Aside from dress code, the senate inquiry will also seek to ascertain why there appear to be no female Jedi over the age of 24.

The Jedi Council refused to comment, citing the need to consult with The Force.

At press time, notorious gangster Jabba the Hutt has volunteered to receive all female Jedi uniforms deemed too revealing for further service.

NFL Probes Tom Brady’s Balls

imagesFOXBOROUGH, MA The National Football League is investigating New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady’s balls, according to multiple sources.

Suspicions began after an Indianapolis Colts player handled one of Tom Brady’s balls. This prompted the balls to be scrutinized by league officials.

“This is an issue we take very seriously,” explained NFL president Roger Goodell. “We will thoroughly examine these balls and ensure that, going forward, the balls are up to league specifications.”

This is the biggest controversy surrounding a player’s balls since 2007, when the New England Patriots were caught videotaping an opponent’s balls.

Congress Gives President Wrong [Expletive] Wrench 

B7VoXetCYAAqF8rWASHINGTON, D.C. Speaking from the White House garage, a clearly exasperated President Obama scolded Congress for giving him a 3/4″ wrench when he asked for a 5/8″ wrench.

“Are you even paying attention? It says what it is right on the [expletive] thing,” said the leader of the free world.

Further angered by the blank look on Congress’s face the President escalated his tirade.

“Maybe if you got off your [expletive] iPhone and focused for like one [expletive] second you could actually accomplish something useful for once,” bellowed the nation’s 44th executive.

“Or maybe you think a 14% approval rating is a good thing?” screamed America’s de facto father figure. “You know when I was your age I had a friend with 14% scores and now he’s unemployed and smokes skunk weed he got for giving handjobs behind a 7-11 back in Hyde Park. Is that what you want?”

I said IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT???!!!” screamed the President of the United States at the top of his lungs.

At press time, sources confirmed that the President had grabbed the 5/8″ wrench himself and wheeled himself back under the car he was fixing, muttering that he “would just do it [him]self.”

This is the biggest hardware error Congress has made since President Obama asked the legislative branch for a ball peen hammer and they sent him a government shutdown instead.

Occasional Booty Call Acquaintance Receives Posthumous Promotion to “Girlfriend”

Screen shot 2015-01-03 at 5.38.18 PMNORTH BERGEN, NJ  Following the tragic and untimely death of Kimberly Lyall, area man Rod Polson has started referring to her as his “girlfriend” despite the two having only sparingly engaged in casual sex, according to sources with knowledge of the situation .

“Just last week I was at a party with Rod [Polson] and I asked him if he had anything going on and he was like ‘nah man’,” said friend and fellow Pizza Hut employee Steve Boswell. “Now he’s all like, ‘my girlfriend’s gone’ and shit.”

“I mean, they met on Tinder,” concluded Boswell.

Relatives confirmed that at a recent family gathering Polson announced that he was feeling sad at the sudden death of his “girlfriend,” despite no member of the family having ever met Kimberly Lyall or being able to remember Polson having talked about her.

“He lives in the basement,” explained Polson’s father. “I think I’d remember a girlfriend.”

Sources close to Polson suggested that the posthumous promotion may be a calculated move intended to create sympathy.

“Last night I was hanging out with Rod and these two chicks from CrossFit and he was acting all bummed about [Kimberly Lyall] and the chicks were like all over him with hugs and shit,” said a friend who wished to remain anonymous.

“They were hot, yo,” concluded the source.

This is the second time Polson has awarded a posthumous promotion, the first being in 1998 when deceased cousin Jack Sadelnop was named a “brother” despite their only having seen each other twice annually, at Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Exit Polls: Rich White Men Doing Pretty Well

193xdpdbmcqdvjpgWASHINGTON, D.C. As exit poll data continues to pour in from voters all over the country one trend is beginning to emerge: wealthy Caucasians males are establishing a significant lead.

“Pretty much in every race across the boards we’re seeing strong correlative factors emerging in the numbers,” said poll analyst Robert Graves from Quinnipiac University. “Specifically, for the most part, the winners today will be white men with major financial resources.”

However, pollsters were quick to caution media outlets that a tremendous amount of variability lay within the seemingly homogeneous data.

“Whiteness, for example, is a relative term,” explained Delores von Schnoopenhauser of the influential think tank America Is For Americans. “Within the supermajority political establishment of electorally triumphant Caucasians we find a startling variance that includes everything from deeply tanned to quite pasty.”

“It’s a veritable smorgasbord of diversity,” continued von Schnoopenhauser.

At press time, newly minted lawmakers were hastily composing proposals to redefine voting districts to ensure even more rich white men will be competitive in future elections.

 

General Tso Declares Victory Over America

General Tso ReduxBEIJING, CHINA At a heavily anticipated press conference today the legendary General Tso declared “total and absolute” victory over the United States of America.

“The plan worked perfectly,” explained the renowned military commander. “We infiltrated America’s cities, deployed our weapons, and neutralized the ability of the enemy to wage war.”

Using a series of charts the general’s aides demonstrated how spiraling obesity rates and their resultant problems, such as rampant diabetes, have devastated the American war machine and rendered the former superpower helpless.

The general also praised the hard work of Chinese engineers in developing the weapons that achieved victory.

“Pork-fried rice, egg rolls, even fortune cookies — they all played an important part,” explained the general. “And of course, ultimate praise is due to our primary weapon, an irresistible, impossibly fatty and carb-laden sweet-and-sour sauce chock full of monosodium glutamate.

At press time, General Tso was rumored to be marshalling his forces to deal with threats against his newly conquered territories from P.F. Chang’s.

Report: 100% of Tourists Yelled “It’s The Big One!” During Napa Valley Earthquake

1297327347243_ORIGINALNAPA VALLEY, CA  Every vacationing man, woman and child within the radius of Sunday’s earthquake screamed “It’s the big one!” or some variation thereof, despite the temblor causing no fatalities, very few serious injuries, and lasting only 20 seconds, according to a survey conducted by Bridgeport University.

“I felt the ground moving and without even thinking I shrieked at my husband ‘Jesus Christ, Frank, it’s the big one! Get in the bathtub!‘” reported one typical respondent of the magnitude 6.0 earthquake, which California residents and most seismologists described as “pretty wimpy.”

Other common tourist responses included ‘Holy f–king s–t it’s the big one,‘ ‘Is this the big one, mommy?’ and ‘The big one! Aaaaaaaaaghhhhhhh!‘ even though the quake is estimated to have caused a mere $1B in damage.

The same survey found that 100% of the time vacationing tourists will identify a shadow in the water as a 25-foot Great White Shark, regardless of whether they are in an ocean, lake, river or hotel swimming pool.