NORTH BERGEN, NJ? Following the tragic and untimely death of Kimberly?Lyall, area man Rod Polson has started referring to her as his “girlfriend” despite the two having only sparingly engaged in casual sex, according to sources with knowledge of the situation .

“Just last week I was at a party with Rod [Polson] and I asked him if he had anything going on and he was like?’nah man’,” said friend and fellow Pizza Hut employee Steve Boswell. “Now he’s all like, ‘my girlfriend’s gone’ and shit.”

“I mean, they met on Tinder,” concluded Boswell.

Relatives?confirmed that at a recent family gathering?Polson announced that he was feeling sad at the sudden death of his “girlfriend,” despite no member of the family having ever met Kimberly?Lyall or being able to?remember Polson having talked about her.

“He lives in the basement,” explained Polson’s father. “I think I’d remember a girlfriend.”

Sources close to Polson suggested that the posthumous promotion may be a calculated move intended to create sympathy.

“Last night I was hanging out with Rod and these two chicks from CrossFit and he was acting all bummed about [Kimberly Lyall] and the chicks were like all over him with hugs and shit,” said a friend who wished to remain anonymous.

“They were hot, yo,” concluded the source.

This is the second time Polson has awarded a posthumous promotion, the first being in 1998 when deceased cousin Jack Sadelnop was named a “brother” despite their only having seen each other twice annually, at Thanksgiving and Christmas.

BEIJING, CHINA At a heavily anticipated press conference today the legendary General Tso declared “total and absolute” victory over the United States of America.

“The plan worked perfectly,” explained the renowned?military commander. “We infiltrated America’s cities, deployed our weapons, and neutralized the ability of the enemy to wage war.”

Using a series of charts the general’s aides demonstrated how spiraling obesity rates and their resultant problems, such as rampant diabetes,?have devastated the American war machine and rendered?the former superpower helpless.

The general also praised the hard work of Chinese engineers in developing the weapons that achieved?victory.

“Pork-fried rice, egg rolls, even fortune cookies — they all played an important part,” explained the general. “And of course, ultimate praise is due to our primary weapon, an irresistible, impossibly fatty and carb-laden sweet-and-sour sauce chock full of monosodium glutamate.

At press time, General Tso was rumored to be marshalling his forces to deal with threats against his newly conquered territories from P.F. Chang’s.

NAPA VALLEY, CA ?Every vacationing man, woman and child within the radius of Sunday’s?earthquake screamed “It’s the big one!” or some variation thereof, despite the temblor causing no fatalities, very few serious injuries, and lasting only 20 seconds, according to a survey conducted by?Bridgeport University.

“I felt the ground moving and without even thinking I shrieked at my husband ‘Jesus Christ, Frank, it’s the big one! Get in the bathtub!‘” reported one typical respondent of the magnitude 6.0 earthquake, which California residents and most seismologists described as “pretty wimpy.”

Other common tourist responses included ‘Holy f–king s–t it’s the big one,‘ ‘Is this the big one, mommy?’?and?’The big one! Aaaaaaaaaghhhhhhh!‘ even though the quake is estimated to have caused a mere $1B in damage.

The same survey found that 100% of the time vacationing tourists?will identify a shadow in the water as a 25-foot Great White Shark, regardless of whether they are in an ocean, lake, river or hotel swimming pool.