Earth Application Rejected By United Federation of Planets

“Try again in 100 years,” says galactic organization

Founding_Species_of_the_FederationVULCAN – Citing the fall of liberalism in the planet’s major nation-states and the rise of populist demagoguery in its place, the United Federation of Planets voted today to reject Earth’s membership application.

“We regret that the present socio-political climate on Earth, with its skeptical views towards science, its over-emphasis on wealth accumulation, and its growing rates of race and income inequality, is incompatible with the basic tenets of the Federation,” said UFP President Jaresh-Inyo in a tersely-worded written statement.

Per UFP rules, Earth is disqualified from additional consideration for the next hundred years.

World leaders reacted swiftly to condemn the decision.

“The UFP has such great potential but right now it is just a club for people to get together, talk and have a good time. So sad!” tweeted newly inaugurated US President Donald J. Trump.

He was not alone.

“No one wants the UFP to suffer the fate of the League of Planets, which collapsed because it lacked real leverage. This is possible if influential planets bypass the UFP and take military action without Security Council authorization,” announced Russian President Vladimir Putin.

While Earth-based scientists expressed supreme dismay at the decision, which will prevent them from collaborating with colleagues in more advanced civilizations, others moved swiftly to profit from the turn of events.

“We have made inquiries with Viceroy Nute Gunray and Senator Palpatine about joining the Trade Federation,” announced incoming Secretary of State Rex Tillerman.

“What could possibly go wrong?”

NFL Draft Tracker: GOP Hopes To Nab Viable Nominee With 1st Round Pick

Party of Lincoln seeks electric new field general.

CHICAGO  The latest mock drafts show that analysts almost unanimously think the Republican Party will use its first round pick to draft a presidential candidate with broad-based appeal, according to the ESPN Draft Tracker.

“You always want to find a future hall-of-famer on Day One,” declared draft guru Mel Kiper. “This is a passing league, and the Republicans don’t have an obvious signal-caller that can lead the team down the field this fall.”

Sports Illustrated football expert Peter King pointed to the GOP’s dearth of young talent. “Marco Rubio was supposed to be the face of the franchise, and that hasn’t worked out. They’re in desperate need of a youth infusion.”

But not all analysts agree. Walter Cherepinsky of Walter Football writes that the Republicans lack depth on the Supreme Court, Rob Rang of CBS Sports thinks the GOP “should build on strength and focus on Congress,” while NFL.com‘s Daniel Jeremiah believes the party should address it’s deficiencies in the defensive secondary.

The draft starts on Thursday, April 28th.

NRA Awarded $48M Grant To Continue Mass-Scale Sociological Experiment

172915487WASHINGTON, DC – The National Rifle Association (NRA) announced today that it has received a huge cash infusion to support its ongoing social experiment in which firearms are made freely available to the 300 million citizens of a first-world nation.

“We’ve already accomplished a great deal, and we’re very excited about what we can do with the additional funding,” explained lead researcher Dr. Jethro Austin Dylan as a power point presentation showed slides of barely regulated gun shows, children unwrapping semi-automatic weapons under Christmas trees, and the sobbing relatives of deceased shooting victims in the unnamed Western country that is the subject of the study.

When asked what tipped the scales in favor of being awarded the grant NRA scientists pointed out the success of artificially inducing a climate of regular mass-shootings and rampant anti-government paranoia.

“One of the key milestones in the Phase II portion of the study was the widespread escalation of ‘castle doctrine’ laws, which have a very limited application, into ‘stand your ground’ laws, which are nearly universal in scope,” explained Dr. Dylan.

Another important factor cited was the incredible success the research team has enjoyed in keeping the citizens of the first-world nation involved in the study completely in the dark about the fact that they are active participants in possibly the largest and most dangerous sociological experiment ever conducted.

“I mean, guns are in the top levels of government, they’re in the news 24/7, they’re all over the streets, and nobody’s caught on,” gushed Dr. Dylan. “We can’t wait to see what happens in Phase III!” concluded the prominent social scientist.

Galactic Senate To Investigate Female Jedi Uniforms

Jedi_Master_by_CaptVovanCORUSCANT  In a landmark announcement today the Galactic Senate announced that it would launch an unprecedented inquiry into the wardrobe requirements for female members of the Jedi Order.

“They’re supposed to be zen-like ascetics who forswear material possessions and personal attachments, but for some reason they’re all dressed up like Mos Eisley whores,” said Naboo Senator Padme Amidala, chair of the gender equality committee.

The investigation follows on a series of recent scandals in which female Jedi have increasingly been the victims of voyeuristic amateur photographers who have published their work on pornographic websites.

“An online image search for Ahsoka Tano or Aayla Secura yields results that are, shall we say, not safe for work,” Senator Amidala further opined. “What kind of example are these professionals setting?”

Aside from dress code, the senate inquiry will also seek to ascertain why there appear to be no female Jedi over the age of 24.

The Jedi Council refused to comment, citing the need to consult with The Force.

At press time, notorious gangster Jabba the Hutt has volunteered to receive all female Jedi uniforms deemed too revealing for further service.

Congress Gives President Wrong [Expletive] Wrench 

B7VoXetCYAAqF8rWASHINGTON, D.C. Speaking from the White House garage, a clearly exasperated President Obama scolded Congress for giving him a 3/4″ wrench when he asked for a 5/8″ wrench.

“Are you even paying attention? It says what it is right on the [expletive] thing,” said the leader of the free world.

Further angered by the blank look on Congress’s face the President escalated his tirade.

“Maybe if you got off your [expletive] iPhone and focused for like one [expletive] second you could actually accomplish something useful for once,” bellowed the nation’s 44th executive.

“Or maybe you think a 14% approval rating is a good thing?” screamed America’s de facto father figure. “You know when I was your age I had a friend with 14% scores and now he’s unemployed and smokes skunk weed he got for giving handjobs behind a 7-11 back in Hyde Park. Is that what you want?”

I said IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT???!!!” screamed the President of the United States at the top of his lungs.

At press time, sources confirmed that the President had grabbed the 5/8″ wrench himself and wheeled himself back under the car he was fixing, muttering that he “would just do it [him]self.”

This is the biggest hardware error Congress has made since President Obama asked the legislative branch for a ball peen hammer and they sent him a government shutdown instead.

Exit Polls: Rich White Men Doing Pretty Well

193xdpdbmcqdvjpgWASHINGTON, D.C. As exit poll data continues to pour in from voters all over the country one trend is beginning to emerge: wealthy Caucasians males are establishing a significant lead.

“Pretty much in every race across the boards we’re seeing strong correlative factors emerging in the numbers,” said poll analyst Robert Graves from Quinnipiac University. “Specifically, for the most part, the winners today will be white men with major financial resources.”

However, pollsters were quick to caution media outlets that a tremendous amount of variability lay within the seemingly homogeneous data.

“Whiteness, for example, is a relative term,” explained Delores von Schnoopenhauser of the influential think tank America Is For Americans. “Within the supermajority political establishment of electorally triumphant Caucasians we find a startling variance that includes everything from deeply tanned to quite pasty.”

“It’s a veritable smorgasbord of diversity,” continued von Schnoopenhauser.

At press time, newly minted lawmakers were hastily composing proposals to redefine voting districts to ensure even more rich white men will be competitive in future elections.

 

Hillary Clinton Announces She Will Run In 5K

“Did you think I was running for something else?” she asks innocently.

hillary-clinton-unflattering-photo-cheeringWASHINGTON, D.C. Former First Lady, Senator and Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton today announced in front of a standing-room-only press conference that she will run in a local charity 5K event to raise funds for underserved District of Columbia schools.

As reporters groaned and turned off their recording devices Mrs. Clinton described how she’s been training for the event with her daughter, Chelsea, who will also be participating.

“Here is a map of the route,” added the person who is widely considered a lock for the Democratic Party’s nomination for the presidency, should she decide to pursue it. “There’s lots of hills, as you can see, but that shouldn’t be a problem for someone named ‘Hillary.'”

At press time, unconfirmed rumors were circulating that Mrs. Clinton was spotted looking at shoes in a sporting goods store.

Supreme Court To Nation: Fuck You

“Right up the ass,” adds judicial branch.

john-robertsWASHINGTON, D.C. In a controversial but ultimately inevitable 5-4 ruling, the Supreme Court today set a powerful new precedent when it essentially affirmed the constitutionality of rich people doing whatever they want, whenever they want, with absolutely no consequences.

“The state has no authority to dictate the behavior of the wealthy,” wrote Chief Justice John Roberts in the majority opinion while doctors surgically removed the one shred of integrity he had left in his body and replaced it with a gun-shaped Bible full of money.

“So long as the behavior is covered by an embarrassingly transparent and completely horseshit religious explanation, and so long as the perpetrator controls vast sums of money, then it is fully constitutional and everyone should just shut the hell up already,” continued Roberts.

“Seriously, you assholes, this is the way we do it here, it’s never going to change, and you should all just go fuck yourselves, because you’re poor and nobody cares about you and nobody ever will,” concluded the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States of America.

At press time the Court was preparing to hear final arguments in Koch vs USA which challenges the constitutionality of Article I, Section 9, Clause 8, which reads in part, “No title of nobility shall be granted by the United States.”

 

Mayor de Blasio Botches Groundhog Day 2014

groundhog-day-2014-staten-island-chuck-makes-his-prediction-9bf663378e8eeac2STATEN ISLAND, NY Mayor Bill de Blasio’s attempt at a Snow Miser end-around with an appeal to the mythical groundhog failed miserably today when he accidentally dropped the animal in the midst of talks about whether or not it would see its shadow.

“At this point we’re running out of ideas,” explained a frustrated aide to the mayor when asked about stopping the snow that continues to fall on New York City.

At press time, minions of the Snow Miser were decorating midtown with banners that read “Mayor de Blizzardo.”

Wealthy White Man Assures Nation’s Women They’re Doing Fine

“You’ve got it really good, baby,” says guy in suit.

PaulWASHINGTON, D.C. A powerful, wealthy white man informed the nation’s women that as far as he knows they are collectively doing great things, making excellent salaries, and most importantly, not experiencing any gender-related disadvantages.

“There’s no reason to get your panties in a knot,” explained one of the country’s most prominent political leaders. “Why don’t you take the credit card and go get yourself something nice?”

“Maybe get your nails done. Treat yourself,” he continued.

At press time, the man was asking the nation’s women where he put his keys.