Galactic Senate To Investigate Female Jedi Uniforms

Jedi_Master_by_CaptVovanCORUSCANT  In a landmark announcement today the Galactic Senate announced that it would launch an unprecedented inquiry into the wardrobe requirements for female members of the Jedi Order.

“They’re supposed to be zen-like ascetics who forswear material possessions and personal attachments, but for some reason they’re all dressed up like Mos Eisley whores,” said Naboo Senator Padme Amidala, chair of the gender equality committee.

The investigation follows on a series of recent scandals in which female Jedi have increasingly been the victims of voyeuristic amateur photographers who have published their work on pornographic websites.

“An online image search for Ahsoka Tano or Aayla Secura yields results that are, shall we say, not safe for work,” Senator Amidala further opined. “What kind of example are these professionals setting?”

Aside from dress code, the senate inquiry will also seek to ascertain why there appear to be no female Jedi over the age of 24.

The Jedi Council refused to comment, citing the need to consult with The Force.

At press time, notorious gangster Jabba the Hutt has volunteered to receive all female Jedi uniforms deemed too revealing for further service.

CNN Premieres Season Two of Popular Flight MH370 Show

718210-a19d46cc-af9b-11e3-bbbe-18ebc4e71679ATLANTA, GA The worldwide leader in news is looking forward to a huge ratings bump in advance of an as-yet-unknown number of new episodes in its riveting series based on the disappearance of Malaysia Airlines flight MH370.

“We’re going to have a bunch of exciting guest stars who will speculate as to the whereabouts of the plane,” said managing editor Mark Whitaker in a recent interview with E Hollywood. “There will be charts and graphs with lots of arrows and shit, and the most exciting feature — poignant, moving 90-second profiles of some of the more interesting passengers,” he added.

Sources close to the network have confirmed that Aaron Sorkin is supervising the dialogue for the segments of the second season that will detail the NTSB investigation, and are intended to feel like a “CSI”-style procedural.

“There will be a regular cast of air disaster experts trying to piece together the mystery of what happened while also negotiating their own complex, sexually-charged interactions,” explained an associate producer on condition of anonymity. “It’s the definition of must-see TV.”

Ad buys for commercial breaks are starting in the low seven figures for a thirty-second spot.

Report: Nobody Mistaking Shirley Temple for Laurence Fishburne

Temple-FishburneATLANTA, GA The Center for United States Studies on Race Relations released the findings of a groundbreaking survey today revealing that not one single person in the entire country mistakenly thought that former child mega movie star Shirley Temple, who has just died at the age of 85, was actually popular living actor and Super Bowl commercial veteran Laurence Fishburne.

“Modern Americans found that [Shirley] Temple, best remembered as a small white girl with red hair and an infectiously rosy personality, is fairly easy to distinguish from [Laurence] Fishburne, who is a physically large African-American gentleman with a deep voice and often plays mysterious, slightly threatening characters,” explained head researcher Dale von Whiten.

“We see this is as a big step forward in the national dialogue about race,” continued von Whiten.

The study was prompted after KTLA entertainment reporter Sam Rubin accidentally mistook actor Samuel L. Jackson for Fishburne in a live on-air interview.

At press time, the Center was preparing the findings of another important report in which it will be revealed that almost 27% of suburban white Americans can successfully delineate “most of the time” between photographs of President Barack Obama and photographs of popular Vaudeville performer Al Jolson in his signature blackface makeup, up from 25.5% three years ago.

No Winners At Super Bowl Following Death of Philip Seymour Hoffman

Phillip-Seymour-HoffmanNEW YORK, NY The Denver Bronces, the Seattle Seahawks, the NFL, and every man, woman, and child on the planet that has ever been inspired by the arts all collectively lost Super Bowl XLVIII today before it even began when groundbreaking Academy Award winner, theatrical innovator, husband, and doting father Philip Seymour Hoffman, one of the most respected and admired artists of this or any time, was found dead of an apparent drug overdose in his Manhattan apartment at the age of 46.

The cultural loss is incalculable.

Justin Bieber Arrest Scrambles Nation’s Bloggers

There’s only so much Google Juice to go around.

Arrested-for-stealing-our-hearts-justin-bieber-15847365-495-327HOLLYWOOD, CA The arrest of nineteen year old pop sensation Justin Bieber for suspicion of drag racing and driving while intoxicated has mobilized the nation’s bloggers into a mad dash to publish sensational headlines in an attempt to drive traffic to their websites, according to multiple sources.

Major news outlets are not immune to the frenzy, as headlines about Bieber secured front-page, top-of-fold coverage on CNN, NBC and Fox News.

Even now, web writers are frantically trying to spin the details of the incident, such as the failed sobriety test, the Lamborghini Bieber was driving, and even the Miami Beach location, in such a way as to maximize their google ranking and increase the click-throughs on their sites’ ads.

At press time, anxious producers were directing their interns to keep a close eye on competitor websites and report any new information.

Dennis Rodman on Monica Spear: I Think I’ll Visit Venezuela Next

imagesPYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA  Controversial basketball star, tattoo enthusiast, and crazy person Dennis Rodman remarked to the media that he thinks he’d like to visit Venezuela in the wake of the tragic shooting death of international celebrity Monica Spear and her husband during a roadside robbery in the oil-rich, crime-ridden nation.

“North Korea is pretty awesome, but I hear in Venezuela there’s like one murder every 21 minutes,” remarked the ex-NBA player and possible sign of the collapse of Western Civilization. “That’s crazy, yo. I gotta book me a flight.”

At press time, Rodman was seen enjoying a five-course dinner served to him by a team of nubile North Korean sex slaves who later tonight will watch as their families are tortured and killed right in front of them.

Jerry Bruckheimer Wins Film Rights to Polar Vortex

Michael Bay to direct, Jennifer Lawrence rumored to star.

2865549660_c1b9930a92HOLLYWOOD, CA  Jerry Bruckheimer may have just inked the most lucrative motion picture deal of his career. Following tense back-and-forth and a last-minute appeal, the polar vortex that is bringing unprecedented arctic temperatures to parts of the country as far south as Atlanta has agreed in terms to a three-picture deal with one of this era’s most prolific — and successful — producers.

“I’ve already talked to [director] Michael [Bay] and he’s excited about bringing the story of the polar vortex to Real-D life,” an excited Bruckheimer said on a conference call with reporters just moments after completing the historic deal.

“There will absolutely be the first sub-zero ice fire explosion ever seen in a movie,” tweeted director Michael Bay to his legions of fans.

Jennifer Lawrence will play the polar vortex’s love interest, and it’s rumored that either Christian Bale, Alan Rickman, Bill Murray, or some combination of the three will portray the villain.

Jacoby Ellsbury Doesn’t Know Who Will Complete Bill Beckwith, Paul Walker Triad

jacoby-ellsbury-for-john-varvatos-style-substanceNEW YORK, NY  During a press conference today about his recent departure from the Boston Red Sox and acceptance of a huge contract with the New York Yankees, outfielder Jacoby Ellsbury provided no clues to the gathered celebrity-frenzied media about who might be the next famous person to die in an untimely vehicle accident and thus complete the “rule of three” triad started by Paul Walker and continued by Bill Beckwith.

“I really don’t know,” commented Ellsbury, “does the Bronx train crash count at all?”

“I guess not,” he added, “because I don’t recall anyone famous being aboard.”

Yankees captain Derek Jeter, attending the press event in solidarity with his new teammate, made a brief statement to the effect that celebrities should probably avoid any unnecessary risks involving cars, motorcycles, public transit, boats, planes or helicopters until the triad is complete.

“Wait, what about the guy that was driving [Paul] Walker’s car?” asked Ellsbury as he returned to the microphone, referring to professional driver Roger Rodas. “I heard he was pretty famous in race car circles.”

At press time, journalists from E! were preparing an interactive poll for their website to gauge the fame level of Roger Rodas.

 

Andy Kaufman is Not Still Alive, Reports Andy Kaufman

andykaufmanNEW YORK, NY  Popular deceased actor and comedian Andy Kaufman today held a press conference to personally and vehemently refute rumors circulating online that he is not dead.

“I am definitely, 100%, completely dead,” Kaufman read from a statement, “and have been since May 16th, 1984.”

“I have not been alive since that time,” he added.

The press conference was hastily arranged in the wake of published reports in major news outlets claiming that Kaufman may in fact still be alive after a photograph of an eerily similar-looking woman surfaced in recent days.

“That picture is not of me, because I’m dead,” Kaufman concluded.

At press time, journalists thanked Mr. Kaufman for setting the record straight by releasing revisions and correctives to the earlier, erroneous reports.

Elizabeth Olson: Tropical Storm Karen Causes Tesla Fire

urlHOLLYWOOD, CA Celebrity Elizabeth Olson must have shorted Tesla.

When asked by reporters outside her favorite lunch café what might have caused a battery fire in one of the world’s most famous electric cars on a Seattle highway, the star purportedly muttered something about Tropical Storm Karen, according to entertainment reporters that are completely making this up.

“Obviously, Elizabeth Olson is getting her information from secret radio waves that only rich people can disseminate,” said a frothing-at-the-mouth crazy person whose statement should not be considered a credible source by serious journalists.

“This is the biggest news since the Hindenburg,” added an excited nine-year-old standing nearby who overhead the exchange.

“I just learned about the Hindenburg today in school,” the future date-challenged frustrated nerd added.

At press time, members of the media were frantically trying to think of somebody even less qualified to ask for an opinion about what might have caused the Tesla battery fire.

Correction: an earlier version of this article incorrectly identified Ms. Olson as a twin. She is in fact the younger sister of twin siblings Mary Kate and Ashley Olson, and has no twin, unless one counts the extreme likelihood that she does have a twin in another universe along the multiverse infinitum.