Jacoby Ellsbury Doesn’t Know Who Will Complete Bill Beckwith, Paul Walker Triad

jacoby-ellsbury-for-john-varvatos-style-substanceNEW YORK, NY ┬áDuring a press conference today about his recent departure from the Boston Red Sox and acceptance of a huge contract with the New York Yankees, outfielder Jacoby Ellsbury provided no clues to the gathered celebrity-frenzied media about who might be the next famous person to die in an untimely vehicle accident and thus complete the “rule of three” triad started by Paul Walker and continued by Bill Beckwith.

“I really don’t know,” commented Ellsbury, “does the Bronx train crash count at all?”

“I guess not,” he added, “because I don’t recall anyone famous being aboard.”

Yankees captain Derek Jeter, attending the press event in solidarity with his new teammate, made a brief statement to the effect that celebrities should probably avoid any unnecessary risks involving cars, motorcycles, public transit, boats, planes or helicopters until the triad is complete.

“Wait, what about the guy that was driving [Paul] Walker’s car?” asked Ellsbury as he returned to the microphone, referring to professional driver Roger Rodas. “I heard he was pretty famous in race car circles.”

At press time, journalists from E! were preparing an interactive poll for their website to gauge the fame level of Roger Rodas.

 

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