“I am definitely, 100%, completely dead,” Kaufman read from a statement, “and have been since May 16th, 1984.”
“I have not been alive since that time,” he added.
The press conference was hastily arranged in the wake of published reports in major news outlets claiming that Kaufman may in fact still be alive after a photograph of an eerily similar-looking woman surfaced in recent days.
“That picture is not of me, because I’m dead,” Kaufman concluded.
At press time, journalists thanked Mr. Kaufman for setting the record straight by releasing revisions and correctives to the earlier, erroneous reports.