“Jesus Christ, you gotta be kidding me,” says CEO Akio Toyoda.

TOYOTA CITY, JAPAN Company executives are?in a state of utter disbelief as image after image confirmed their worst fears: Toyota is now indeed the official motor vehicle of the reprehensible, genocidal ISIS movement tragically spreading across the Middle East.

“Fuck me,” said Jim Lentz, chief marketing officer, North America, under his breath as ISIS militants celebrated a recent mass execution of innocent women and children by cheering and brandishing weapons for a CNN camera crew from the bed of a pickup truck with the word “Toyota” clearly visible across the tailgate.

Up and down Fifth Avenue advertising companies were preparing pitches for the inevitable round of commercials that will attempt to rescue the international brand’s reputation?and make consumers forget about images of ISIS religious extremists running down fleeing refugees in Toyota SUVs.

“History teaches us that while Toyota has a tough road (har!) ahead, it’s not impossible to recover,” said market analyst Donald Jadier of the research film Gladys Nossen Enterprises. “People have all but forgotten that Mercedes was the official vehicle of the Third Reich.”

At press time, Toyota was seriously considering just changing its name and adopting a cartoon Panda as its new logo.

“I like the way they do business,” boasts Russian leader.

MOSCOW Russian President Vladimir Putin today ordered his military leaders to attend?a month-long workshop intensive to be conducted by members of the Ferguson, Missouri police department.

“The violent death of innocents, the brutal oppression of speech and the press, high-end military weapons in the hands of undertrained people in uniforms with dreadful problem-solving skills — what’s not to like?” asked Mr. Putin.

As payment,?Russia will provide the Ferguson police department with three T-90 tanks, a battery of 90mm artillery pieces, and a recently restored MIG-29 fighter jet.

“I look forward to deploying these advanced law enforcement tools to better serve and protect the people of Ferguson,” said Ferguson Police Chief Thomas Jackson as camouflage-clad SWAT teams in tactical gear casually pointed their assault rifles at gathered members of the media.

At press time, the Red Cross estimated that the?21,135?former residents of Ferguson were now refugees fleeing the area.

“Everybody look over there, in the opposite direction, away from the town!” adds Missouri police department.

FERGUSON, MO Local law enforcement personnel conducted a press conference today in response to an overwhelmingly negative national dialogue critiquing the misconduct of police forces following massive protests in the wake of the fatal shooting of an unarmed teenager.

“I can’t believe how cute that squirrel is,” said Police Chief Thomas Jackson?while excitedly pointing out a window.?”It’s got a huge acorn stuffed into its mouth and it’s hopping around,” he added,?while a SWAT team in full tactical gear and armed with?assault rifles quietly escorted from the room members of the press who were attempting to record the proceedings.

“Aww, look, now it’s frolicking with one of its friends,” said Chief Jackson, his voice rising to disguise the sound of tear gas canisters landing amongst protesting citizens.

“Or maybe it’s a boy squirrel and a girl squirrel,” said?the Chief as a mine-resistant armored personnel carrier rumbled down the sleepy streets and reminded residents of the on-going curfew.

At press time the squirrel was being detained for questioning.

NEW YORK, NY Following closely on the heels of the future first-ballot Hall-of-Famer’s intention to retire following the 2014 season, sports memorabilia empire Steiner Sports quickly announced that it will sell Derek Jeter’s retirement to the highest bidder.

“This is literally a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for some very lucky, very wealthy fan to own something totally unique,” said Steiner president David O. Smith. “Imagine inviting friends over to your house, casually pointing up to your mantle, and being able to show off Derek Jeter’s retirement.”

When pressed for details about what exactly a hypothetical collector might tangibly receive by buying the retirement, an incredulous Smith said, “the collector will be getting the golden years of one of baseball’s greatest stars.”

“Of all time,” added Smith.

The monetization of a retirement is tricky to calculate, but early estimates from?Forbes predict that Derek Jeter’s post-baseball life could have a valuation anywhere from the low nine figures to the low ten figures, depending on unpredictable factors such as overall market strength and how long the athlete ends up living after he is no longer playing baseball.

“Holy crap, you guys, just knock it off,” begs exhausted athlete.

PROVIDENCE, RI Three-time World Series hero Curt Schilling, who just announced yesterday that he is now battling cancer, is already experiencing fatigue over the number of athletically-inspired aphorisms friends, family, and fans have begun sending him by way of encouragement.

“If I hear one more person tell me to ‘strike out cancer,’ I think I’m gonna scream,” said a clearly distressed Schilling. “Ditto for ‘deal the Big C a Big K,'” continued the 1993 NLCS MVP.

The veteran of 19 MLB season with five different clubs will also “completely and totally lose it” if he hears anything about “one more big game.”

At press time, Schilling’s oncologist was rumored to be preparing for an upcoming appointment by creating an explanation of treatment chart that contains familiar baseball phrases like “spring training,” “attack the strike zone,” and “day/night double-header.”