Earth Application Rejected By United Federation of Planets

“Try again in 100 years,” says galactic organization

Founding_Species_of_the_FederationVULCAN – Citing the fall of liberalism in the planet’s major nation-states and the rise of populist demagoguery in its place, the United Federation of Planets voted today to reject Earth’s membership application.

“We regret that the present socio-political climate on Earth, with its skeptical views towards science, its over-emphasis on wealth accumulation, and its growing rates of race and income inequality, is incompatible with the basic tenets of the Federation,” said UFP President Jaresh-Inyo in a tersely-worded written statement.

Per UFP rules, Earth is disqualified from additional consideration for the next hundred years.

World leaders reacted swiftly to condemn the decision.

“The UFP has such great potential but right now it is just a club for people to get together, talk and have a good time. So sad!” tweeted newly inaugurated US President Donald J. Trump.

He was not alone.

“No one wants the UFP to suffer the fate of the League of Planets, which collapsed because it lacked real leverage. This is possible if influential planets bypass the UFP and take military action without Security Council authorization,” announced Russian President Vladimir Putin.

While Earth-based scientists expressed supreme dismay at the decision, which will prevent them from collaborating with colleagues in more advanced civilizations, others moved swiftly to profit from the turn of events.

“We have made inquiries with Viceroy Nute Gunray and Senator Palpatine about joining the Trade Federation,” announced incoming Secretary of State Rex Tillerman.

“What could possibly go wrong?”

NFL Draft Tracker: GOP Hopes To Nab Viable Nominee With 1st Round Pick

Party of Lincoln seeks electric new field general.

CHICAGO  The latest mock drafts show that analysts almost unanimously think the Republican Party will use its first round pick to draft a presidential candidate with broad-based appeal, according to the ESPN Draft Tracker.

“You always want to find a future hall-of-famer on Day One,” declared draft guru Mel Kiper. “This is a passing league, and the Republicans don’t have an obvious signal-caller that can lead the team down the field this fall.”

Sports Illustrated football expert Peter King pointed to the GOP’s dearth of young talent. “Marco Rubio was supposed to be the face of the franchise, and that hasn’t worked out. They’re in desperate need of a youth infusion.”

But not all analysts agree. Walter Cherepinsky of Walter Football writes that the Republicans lack depth on the Supreme Court, Rob Rang of CBS Sports thinks the GOP “should build on strength and focus on Congress,” while NFL.com‘s Daniel Jeremiah believes the party should address it’s deficiencies in the defensive secondary.

The draft starts on Thursday, April 28th.

NFL Probes Tom Brady’s Balls

imagesFOXBOROUGH, MA The National Football League is investigating New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady’s balls, according to multiple sources.

Suspicions began after an Indianapolis Colts player handled one of Tom Brady’s balls. This prompted the balls to be scrutinized by league officials.

“This is an issue we take very seriously,” explained NFL president Roger Goodell. “We will thoroughly examine these balls and ensure that, going forward, the balls are up to league specifications.”

This is the biggest controversy surrounding a player’s balls since 2007, when the New England Patriots were caught videotaping an opponent’s balls.

Exit Polls: Rich White Men Doing Pretty Well

193xdpdbmcqdvjpgWASHINGTON, D.C. As exit poll data continues to pour in from voters all over the country one trend is beginning to emerge: wealthy Caucasians males are establishing a significant lead.

“Pretty much in every race across the boards we’re seeing strong correlative factors emerging in the numbers,” said poll analyst Robert Graves from Quinnipiac University. “Specifically, for the most part, the winners today will be white men with major financial resources.”

However, pollsters were quick to caution media outlets that a tremendous amount of variability lay within the seemingly homogeneous data.

“Whiteness, for example, is a relative term,” explained Delores von Schnoopenhauser of the influential think tank America Is For Americans. “Within the supermajority political establishment of electorally triumphant Caucasians we find a startling variance that includes everything from deeply tanned to quite pasty.”

“It’s a veritable smorgasbord of diversity,” continued von Schnoopenhauser.

At press time, newly minted lawmakers were hastily composing proposals to redefine voting districts to ensure even more rich white men will be competitive in future elections.

 

Toyota Horrified To Learn It Is Official Car of ISIS

“Jesus Christ, you gotta be kidding me,” says CEO Akio Toyoda.

ToyotaTOYOTA CITY, JAPAN Company executives are in a state of utter disbelief as image after image confirmed their worst fears: Toyota is now indeed the official motor vehicle of the reprehensible, genocidal ISIS movement tragically spreading across the Middle East.

“Fuck me,” said Jim Lentz, chief marketing officer, North America, under his breath as ISIS militants celebrated a recent mass execution of innocent women and children by cheering and brandishing weapons for a CNN camera crew from the bed of a pickup truck with the word “Toyota” clearly visible across the tailgate.

Up and down Fifth Avenue advertising companies were preparing pitches for the inevitable round of commercials that will attempt to rescue the international brand’s reputation and make consumers forget about images of ISIS religious extremists running down fleeing refugees in Toyota SUVs.

“History teaches us that while Toyota has a tough road (har!) ahead, it’s not impossible to recover,” said market analyst Donald Jadier of the research film Gladys Nossen Enterprises. “People have all but forgotten that Mercedes was the official vehicle of the Third Reich.”

At press time, Toyota was seriously considering just changing its name and adopting a cartoon Panda as its new logo.

Putin Hires Ferguson Police To Train Russian Troops

“I like the way they do business,” boasts Russian leader.

BN-EB397_0811fe_G_20140812002628MOSCOW Russian President Vladimir Putin today ordered his military leaders to attend a month-long workshop intensive to be conducted by members of the Ferguson, Missouri police department.

“The violent death of innocents, the brutal oppression of speech and the press, high-end military weapons in the hands of undertrained people in uniforms with dreadful problem-solving skills — what’s not to like?” asked Mr. Putin.

As payment, Russia will provide the Ferguson police department with three T-90 tanks, a battery of 90mm artillery pieces, and a recently restored MIG-29 fighter jet.

“I look forward to deploying these advanced law enforcement tools to better serve and protect the people of Ferguson,” said Ferguson Police Chief Thomas Jackson as camouflage-clad SWAT teams in tactical gear casually pointed their assault rifles at gathered members of the media.

At press time, the Red Cross estimated that the 21,135 former residents of Ferguson were now refugees fleeing the area.

 

Ferguson Police: Look! A Squirrel!

“Everybody look over there, in the opposite direction, away from the town!” adds Missouri police department.

Police officers keep watch while demonstrators protest the death of black teenager Michael Brown in FergusonFERGUSON, MO Local law enforcement personnel conducted a press conference today in response to an overwhelmingly negative national dialogue critiquing the misconduct of police forces following massive protests in the wake of the fatal shooting of an unarmed teenager.

“I can’t believe how cute that squirrel is,” said Police Chief Thomas Jackson while excitedly pointing out a window. “It’s got a huge acorn stuffed into its mouth and it’s hopping around,” he added, while a SWAT team in full tactical gear and armed with assault rifles quietly escorted from the room members of the press who were attempting to record the proceedings.

“Aww, look, now it’s frolicking with one of its friends,” said Chief Jackson, his voice rising to disguise the sound of tear gas canisters landing amongst protesting citizens.

“Or maybe it’s a boy squirrel and a girl squirrel,” said the Chief as a mine-resistant armored personnel carrier rumbled down the sleepy streets and reminded residents of the on-going curfew.

At press time the squirrel was being detained for questioning.

 

Steiner Sports To Sell Derek Jeter’s Retirement

djNEW YORK, NY Following closely on the heels of the future first-ballot Hall-of-Famer’s intention to retire following the 2014 season, sports memorabilia empire Steiner Sports quickly announced that it will sell Derek Jeter’s retirement to the highest bidder.

“This is literally a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for some very lucky, very wealthy fan to own something totally unique,” said Steiner president David O. Smith. “Imagine inviting friends over to your house, casually pointing up to your mantle, and being able to show off Derek Jeter’s retirement.”

When pressed for details about what exactly a hypothetical collector might tangibly receive by buying the retirement, an incredulous Smith said, “the collector will be getting the golden years of one of baseball’s greatest stars.”

Of all time,” added Smith.

The monetization of a retirement is tricky to calculate, but early estimates from Forbes predict that Derek Jeter’s post-baseball life could have a valuation anywhere from the low nine figures to the low ten figures, depending on unpredictable factors such as overall market strength and how long the athlete ends up living after he is no longer playing baseball.

Report: Nobody Mistaking Shirley Temple for Laurence Fishburne

Temple-FishburneATLANTA, GA The Center for United States Studies on Race Relations released the findings of a groundbreaking survey today revealing that not one single person in the entire country mistakenly thought that former child mega movie star Shirley Temple, who has just died at the age of 85, was actually popular living actor and Super Bowl commercial veteran Laurence Fishburne.

“Modern Americans found that [Shirley] Temple, best remembered as a small white girl with red hair and an infectiously rosy personality, is fairly easy to distinguish from [Laurence] Fishburne, who is a physically large African-American gentleman with a deep voice and often plays mysterious, slightly threatening characters,” explained head researcher Dale von Whiten.

“We see this is as a big step forward in the national dialogue about race,” continued von Whiten.

The study was prompted after KTLA entertainment reporter Sam Rubin accidentally mistook actor Samuel L. Jackson for Fishburne in a live on-air interview.

At press time, the Center was preparing the findings of another important report in which it will be revealed that almost 27% of suburban white Americans can successfully delineate “most of the time” between photographs of President Barack Obama and photographs of popular Vaudeville performer Al Jolson in his signature blackface makeup, up from 25.5% three years ago.

Curt Schilling Already Tired of Sports-Themed Cancer Fighting Mantras

“Holy crap, you guys, just knock it off,” begs exhausted athlete.

24646856_SAPROVIDENCE, RI Three-time World Series hero Curt Schilling, who just announced yesterday that he is now battling cancer, is already experiencing fatigue over the number of athletically-inspired aphorisms friends, family, and fans have begun sending him by way of encouragement.

“If I hear one more person tell me to ‘strike out cancer,’ I think I’m gonna scream,” said a clearly distressed Schilling. “Ditto for ‘deal the Big C a Big K,'” continued the 1993 NLCS MVP.

The veteran of 19 MLB season with five different clubs will also “completely and totally lose it” if he hears anything about “one more big game.”

At press time, Schilling’s oncologist was rumored to be preparing for an upcoming appointment by creating an explanation of treatment chart that contains familiar baseball phrases like “spring training,” “attack the strike zone,” and “day/night double-header.”