Biggest Loser in Bill Nye Debate

BillNyeDebatePETERSBURG, KY More than three hundred million Americans were big fat losers last night following a live debate between Bill Nye “The Science Guy” and the controversial founder of Answers in Genesis and The Creation Museum, Ken Ham.

“You weren’t there so you don’t really know,” explained Ham as concrete irrefutable support of creationism, trumping, in his mind anyway, pretty much the entire history of scientific observation, testing, and reasoned thought.

Early reports indicate that the “debate” substantially reduced the nation’s aggregate intelligence.

At press time, the United States continued to rank 29th in student mathematical performance as measured against all other industrialized nations.

Mayor de Blasio Botches Groundhog Day 2014

groundhog-day-2014-staten-island-chuck-makes-his-prediction-9bf663378e8eeac2STATEN ISLAND, NY Mayor Bill de Blasio’s attempt at a Snow Miser end-around with an appeal to the mythical groundhog failed miserably today when he accidentally dropped the animal in the midst of talks about whether or not it would see its shadow.

“At this point we’re running out of ideas,” explained a frustrated aide to the mayor when asked about stopping the snow that continues to fall on New York City.

At press time, minions of the Snow Miser were decorating midtown with banners that read “Mayor de Blizzardo.”

No Winners At Super Bowl Following Death of Philip Seymour Hoffman

Phillip-Seymour-HoffmanNEW YORK, NY The Denver Bronces, the Seattle Seahawks, the NFL, and every man, woman, and child on the planet that has ever been inspired by the arts all collectively lost Super Bowl XLVIII today before it even began when groundbreaking Academy Award winner, theatrical innovator, husband, and doting father Philip Seymour Hoffman, one of the most respected and admired artists of this or any time, was found dead of an apparent drug overdose in his Manhattan apartment at the age of 46.

The cultural loss is incalculable.

Pete Seeger State of the Union Opening Act Canceled

Death of popular folk singer spoils President’s introductory show.

SeegerWASHINGTON, D.C. The unexpected death of longtime American counter-culture icon and folk singer Pete Seeger prompted the cancellation of a pre-SOTU show that was to feature the performer, lyricist and banjo player.

This would have been the first time Mr. Seeger appeared in the Congressional chamber since his controversial testimony before the House Un-American Activities Committee, during which he refused to answer any questions about anything other than his songs.

Representatives for Miley Cyrus offered to make her available as a last-minute replacement act, but received the response “thanks, we’re good” from the White House.

At press time, it was widely rumored that a congressional delegation confiscated an acoustic guitar, a pair of sunglasses, and a headband from Vice President Joe Biden prior to the state of the union address.

Justin Bieber Arrest Scrambles Nation’s Bloggers

There’s only so much Google Juice to go around.

Arrested-for-stealing-our-hearts-justin-bieber-15847365-495-327HOLLYWOOD, CA The arrest of nineteen year old pop sensation Justin Bieber for suspicion of drag racing and driving while intoxicated has mobilized the nation’s bloggers into a mad dash to publish sensational headlines in an attempt to drive traffic to their websites, according to multiple sources.

Major news outlets are not immune to the frenzy, as headlines about Bieber secured front-page, top-of-fold coverage on CNN, NBC and Fox News.

Even now, web writers are frantically trying to spin the details of the incident, such as the failed sobriety test, the Lamborghini Bieber was driving, and even the Miami Beach location, in such a way as to maximize their google ranking and increase the click-throughs on their sites’ ads.

At press time, anxious producers were directing their interns to keep a close eye on competitor websites and report any new information.

New York City, Snow Miser Negotiations Collapse

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NEW YORK, NY Tense negotiations between newly inaugurated Mayor Bill deBlasio and the entity known as the Snow Miser ended today when city representatives refused to give any ground on demands for additional skating rinks in city parks.

The metropolis was immediately engulfed by a snowstorm.

“Given our recent economic hardships and the continuing fight to keep essential services such as police and schools open for business, there is just no way we can acquiesce to Snow Miser’s unreasonable requests for an ice palace in Central Park or a ski lift in Herald Square,” said a city spokesperson.

Asked for comment on the negotiations, representatives for the Snow Miser sang, in four-part harmony and accompanied by an impressive tuba section, “I never want to see a day that’s over forty degrees. I’d rather have it thirty, twenty, ten, five and let it freeeeEEEEEEeeze!”

At press time, half an inch of snow had already accumulated in Central Park.

NOAA Weather Forecasts Recommend Alexandra Daddario To Prevent School Closings

“Because she’s really hot,” explains meteorologist

urlWASHINGTON, D.C. The nation’s weather bureau today strongly recommended that citizens of the Northeast turn to “True Detective” star Alexandra Daddario and her recent nude scene as a viable way of beating the extreme cold and blizzard conditions caused by yet another polar vortex.

“Alexandra is pretty smokin’ in those scenes,” said lead forecaster Brent Gaskell at today’s surprise press conference. “The opposite of cold is hot, and we figure the American public can pretty much take it from there.”

This is the first time NOAA has used the nude human figure as a public advisory since the controversial Fabio “beat the heat” campaign of the early ’90s, which attempted to capitalize on the romance novel figure’s “coolness.”

Dennis Rodman on Monica Spear: I Think I’ll Visit Venezuela Next

imagesPYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA  Controversial basketball star, tattoo enthusiast, and crazy person Dennis Rodman remarked to the media that he thinks he’d like to visit Venezuela in the wake of the tragic shooting death of international celebrity Monica Spear and her husband during a roadside robbery in the oil-rich, crime-ridden nation.

“North Korea is pretty awesome, but I hear in Venezuela there’s like one murder every 21 minutes,” remarked the ex-NBA player and possible sign of the collapse of Western Civilization. “That’s crazy, yo. I gotta book me a flight.”

At press time, Rodman was seen enjoying a five-course dinner served to him by a team of nubile North Korean sex slaves who later tonight will watch as their families are tortured and killed right in front of them.

Polar Vortex Update: Mayor deBlasio To Meet With Freeze Miser

deBlasioVfreezemiserMOMENTS AGO   While his metropolis succumbs to frigid arctic air that is causing frostbite on contact with exposed skin, New York City Mayor Bill deBlasio announced today that he will meet with the entity known as The Freeze Miser, who is believed to be responsible for the unprecedented temperatures.

“This has got to stop,” the mayor explained in an emergency press conference. “I’m going to sit down with The Freeze Miser and we’re going to talk this out.”

Representatives for The Freeze Miser stormed the stage and said in response, in four-part harmony, accompanied by a brass band that featured an impressive tuba section, “He’s Mister Freeze Miser, he’s Mister Snow.”

This is the first time a sitting NYC Mayor has attempted direct talks with a claymation figure since the historic Ed Koch / Gumby Accord of 1981

Jerry Bruckheimer Wins Film Rights to Polar Vortex

Michael Bay to direct, Jennifer Lawrence rumored to star.

2865549660_c1b9930a92HOLLYWOOD, CA  Jerry Bruckheimer may have just inked the most lucrative motion picture deal of his career. Following tense back-and-forth and a last-minute appeal, the polar vortex that is bringing unprecedented arctic temperatures to parts of the country as far south as Atlanta has agreed in terms to a three-picture deal with one of this era’s most prolific — and successful — producers.

“I’ve already talked to [director] Michael [Bay] and he’s excited about bringing the story of the polar vortex to Real-D life,” an excited Bruckheimer said on a conference call with reporters just moments after completing the historic deal.

“There will absolutely be the first sub-zero ice fire explosion ever seen in a movie,” tweeted director Michael Bay to his legions of fans.

Jennifer Lawrence will play the polar vortex’s love interest, and it’s rumored that either Christian Bale, Alan Rickman, Bill Murray, or some combination of the three will portray the villain.