NEW YORK, NY Tense negotiations between newly inaugurated Mayor Bill deBlasio and the entity known as the Snow Miser ended today when city representatives refused to give any ground on demands for additional skating rinks in city parks.

The metropolis was immediately engulfed by a snowstorm.

“Given our recent economic hardships and the continuing fight to keep essential services such as police and schools open for business, there is just no way we can acquiesce to Snow Miser’s unreasonable requests for an ice palace in Central Park or a ski lift in Herald Square,” said a city spokesperson.

Asked for comment on the negotiations, representatives for the Snow Miser sang, in four-part harmony and accompanied by an impressive tuba section, “I never want to see a day that’s over forty degrees.?I’d rather have it thirty, twenty, ten, five and let it freeeeEEEEEEeeze!”

At press time, half an inch of snow had already accumulated in Central Park.

“Because she’s really hot,” explains meteorologist

WASHINGTON, D.C. The nation’s weather bureau today strongly recommended that citizens of the Northeast turn to “True Detective” star Alexandra Daddario and her recent nude scene as a viable way of beating the extreme cold and blizzard conditions caused by yet another polar vortex.

“Alexandra is pretty smokin’ in those scenes,” said lead forecaster Brent Gaskell at today’s surprise press conference. “The opposite of cold is hot, and we figure the American public can pretty much take it from there.”

This is the first time NOAA has used the nude human figure as a public advisory since the controversial Fabio “beat the heat” campaign of the early ’90s, which attempted to capitalize on the romance novel figure’s “coolness.”