“Pretty much in every race across the boards we’re seeing strong correlative factors emerging in the numbers,” said poll analyst Robert Graves from Quinnipiac University. “Specifically, for the most part, the winners today will be white men with major financial resources.”
However, pollsters were quick to caution media outlets that a tremendous amount of variability lay within the seemingly homogeneous data.
“Whiteness, for example, is a relative term,” explained Delores von Schnoopenhauser of the influential think tank America Is For Americans. “Within the supermajority political establishment of electorally triumphant Caucasians we find a startling variance that includes everything from deeply tanned to quite pasty.”
“It’s a veritable smorgasbord of diversity,” continued von Schnoopenhauser.
At press time, newly minted lawmakers were hastily composing proposals to redefine voting districts to ensure even more rich white men will be competitive in future elections.