SYRIA – In a rare public address, self-appointed ISIS caliph?Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi today declared that Republican primary front-runner billionaire Donald Trump, his increasingly totalitarian positions on Islamic tolerance, and his tens of millions of rabid American supporters have inadvertently become ISIS’s most potent source of new devotees.

“As Muslim youth across the Middle East and Europe awaken to the reality that the West, as embodied by Mr. Trump, does not want?them, we have enjoyed an influx of impressionable young men and women eager to die for our cause that we haven’t seen since the last Crusade,” explained the internationally wanted terrorist leader.

“Allah be praised!” added the caliph.

Yesterday Donald Trump, who leads the Republican field as the nomination day grows closer, released a written statement in which he called for an immediate and open-ended national ban on immigration by persons of the Muslim faith.

Today Trump?defended his position, citing the precedent set during World War II when the United States unlawfully and unnecessarily imprisoned tens of thousands of Japanese-Americans in internment camps.

WASHINGTON, D.C. At midnight the United States Congress allowed the?James Zadroga 9/11 Health and Compensation Act to expire, officially ending health care benefits?to those who attempted to rescue victims of the infamous 9/11 attacks at the former site of the World Trade Center in New York City, NY.

“Look, only 20 people were pulled out of the rubble following the 9/11 attacks,” explained Kevin McCarthy (R-CA), the presumptive successor to John Boehner as speaker of the House. “Those are pathetically low numbers, and a big part of the reason why we’re letting this ridiculous government handout expire.”

“We’re not here to provide freebies to the very people whose incompetence prevented a more effective emergency response,” declared Steve Scalise (R-LA), the majority whip of the U.S. House of Representatives. “Did you read the 9/11 Commission Report? I did. The NYPD, NYFD and other local agencies that were first on the scene were under-equipped, underprepared, untrained, and altogether ineffective.”

“The United States government does not subsidize losers,” concluded the prominent federal elected official.

“The alleged terrorist attacks of 9/11 were a hoax, and we applaud the United States Congress for making an important first step towards embracing this sad fact,” said representatives of the controversial?Architects & Engineers for 9/11 Truth. “There were no?courageous acts of selflessness on the part of first responders on 9/11,” explained the fringe group. “Just a bunch of idiots who didn’t get the memo.”

Opponents of the James Zadroga 9/11 Health and Compensation Act were quick to point out that?the best way to discourage future occurrences of bravery and altruistic behavior in the face of life-threatening danger in the heat?of an unprecedented international crisis?is to make it plain that such acts will in no way, shape or form be tolerated by the government of the United States of America.

“The people have spoken,” concluded Luke Messer (R-IN), the Republican Policy Committee Chairman. “And the people have zero patience for 9/11 first responders.”

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My first website was deleted when the man hosting it decided he didn’t like me anymore. I offered to pay him for it. He killed it anyway.

My second website was a victim of my divorce.

Third time’s a charm…