WASHINGTON, D.C. Americans beside themselves with grief just hours ago as airline workers, social security check processors, IRS agents, and hundreds of thousands of other federal employees prepared to walk off their jobs became jubilant by the news that twerk enthusiast and increasingly insane child star Miley Cyrus announced via Twitter that she may be pregnant.
“This changes everything,” said 74-year-old retired machinist Joseph Ambargo as tears of joy streamed down his face. “I thought I was going to be sitting in the chair here eating cat food all night, but now I’ll have something to distract me from the fact that my government is so messed up it literally can no longer function on even the most basic level.”
Mr. Ambargo reflected views shared by many Washington lawmakers, who were thrilled by the protection a government shutdown afforded them.
“Nobody can notice what a terrible job I’m doing if I’m not even doing it,” said a giddy House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) as he instructed an aide to make a restaurant reservation. “Everyone will be distracted by Miley Cyrus! Genius!”
At press time, sources confirmed that the United States will be blissfully unaware of its plummeting educational standards, crumbling infrastructure, and increasingly polarized classist economy as citizens from Bangor to Los Angeles enthusiastically guess who the father might be.