General Tso Declares Victory Over America

General Tso ReduxBEIJING, CHINA At a heavily anticipated press conference today the legendary General Tso declared “total and absolute” victory over the United States of America.

“The plan worked perfectly,” explained the renowned military commander. “We infiltrated America’s cities, deployed our weapons, and neutralized the ability of the enemy to wage war.”

Using a series of charts the general’s aides demonstrated how spiraling obesity rates and their resultant problems, such as rampant diabetes, have devastated the American war machine and rendered the former superpower helpless.

The general also praised the hard work of Chinese engineers in developing the weapons that achieved victory.

“Pork-fried rice, egg rolls, even fortune cookies — they all played an important part,” explained the general. “And of course, ultimate praise is due to our primary weapon, an irresistible, impossibly fatty and carb-laden sweet-and-sour sauce chock full of monosodium glutamate.

At press time, General Tso was rumored to be marshalling his forces to deal with threats against his newly conquered territories from P.F. Chang’s.

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