Toyota Horrified To Learn It Is Official Car of ISIS

“Jesus Christ, you gotta be kidding me,” says CEO Akio Toyoda.

ToyotaTOYOTA CITY, JAPAN Company executives are in a state of utter disbelief as image after image confirmed their worst fears: Toyota is now indeed the official motor vehicle of the reprehensible, genocidal ISIS movement tragically spreading across the Middle East.

“Fuck me,” said Jim Lentz, chief marketing officer, North America, under his breath as ISIS militants celebrated a recent mass execution of innocent women and children by cheering and brandishing weapons for a CNN camera crew from the bed of a pickup truck with the word “Toyota” clearly visible across the tailgate.

Up and down Fifth Avenue advertising companies were preparing pitches for the inevitable round of commercials that will attempt to rescue the international brand’s reputation and make consumers forget about images of ISIS religious extremists running down fleeing refugees in Toyota SUVs.

“History teaches us that while Toyota has a tough road (har!) ahead, it’s not impossible to recover,” said market analyst Donald Jadier of the research film Gladys Nossen Enterprises. “People have all but forgotten that Mercedes was the official vehicle of the Third Reich.”

At press time, Toyota was seriously considering just changing its name and adopting a cartoon Panda as its new logo.

Putin Hires Ferguson Police To Train Russian Troops

“I like the way they do business,” boasts Russian leader.

BN-EB397_0811fe_G_20140812002628MOSCOW Russian President Vladimir Putin today ordered his military leaders to attend a month-long workshop intensive to be conducted by members of the Ferguson, Missouri police department.

“The violent death of innocents, the brutal oppression of speech and the press, high-end military weapons in the hands of undertrained people in uniforms with dreadful problem-solving skills — what’s not to like?” asked Mr. Putin.

As payment, Russia will provide the Ferguson police department with three T-90 tanks, a battery of 90mm artillery pieces, and a recently restored MIG-29 fighter jet.

“I look forward to deploying these advanced law enforcement tools to better serve and protect the people of Ferguson,” said Ferguson Police Chief Thomas Jackson as camouflage-clad SWAT teams in tactical gear casually pointed their assault rifles at gathered members of the media.

At press time, the Red Cross estimated that the 21,135 former residents of Ferguson were now refugees fleeing the area.

 

Ferguson Police: Look! A Squirrel!

“Everybody look over there, in the opposite direction, away from the town!” adds Missouri police department.

Police officers keep watch while demonstrators protest the death of black teenager Michael Brown in FergusonFERGUSON, MO Local law enforcement personnel conducted a press conference today in response to an overwhelmingly negative national dialogue critiquing the misconduct of police forces following massive protests in the wake of the fatal shooting of an unarmed teenager.

“I can’t believe how cute that squirrel is,” said Police Chief Thomas Jackson while excitedly pointing out a window. “It’s got a huge acorn stuffed into its mouth and it’s hopping around,” he added, while a SWAT team in full tactical gear and armed with assault rifles quietly escorted from the room members of the press who were attempting to record the proceedings.

“Aww, look, now it’s frolicking with one of its friends,” said Chief Jackson, his voice rising to disguise the sound of tear gas canisters landing amongst protesting citizens.

“Or maybe it’s a boy squirrel and a girl squirrel,” said the Chief as a mine-resistant armored personnel carrier rumbled down the sleepy streets and reminded residents of the on-going curfew.

At press time the squirrel was being detained for questioning.

 

Hillary Clinton Announces She Will Run In 5K

“Did you think I was running for something else?” she asks innocently.

hillary-clinton-unflattering-photo-cheeringWASHINGTON, D.C. Former First Lady, Senator and Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton today announced in front of a standing-room-only press conference that she will run in a local charity 5K event to raise funds for underserved District of Columbia schools.

As reporters groaned and turned off their recording devices Mrs. Clinton described how she’s been training for the event with her daughter, Chelsea, who will also be participating.

“Here is a map of the route,” added the person who is widely considered a lock for the Democratic Party’s nomination for the presidency, should she decide to pursue it. “There’s lots of hills, as you can see, but that shouldn’t be a problem for someone named ‘Hillary.'”

At press time, unconfirmed rumors were circulating that Mrs. Clinton was spotted looking at shoes in a sporting goods store.

Supreme Court To Nation: Fuck You

“Right up the ass,” adds judicial branch.

john-robertsWASHINGTON, D.C. In a controversial but ultimately inevitable 5-4 ruling, the Supreme Court today set a powerful new precedent when it essentially affirmed the constitutionality of rich people doing whatever they want, whenever they want, with absolutely no consequences.

“The state has no authority to dictate the behavior of the wealthy,” wrote Chief Justice John Roberts in the majority opinion while doctors surgically removed the one shred of integrity he had left in his body and replaced it with a gun-shaped Bible full of money.

“So long as the behavior is covered by an embarrassingly transparent and completely horseshit religious explanation, and so long as the perpetrator controls vast sums of money, then it is fully constitutional and everyone should just shut the hell up already,” continued Roberts.

“Seriously, you assholes, this is the way we do it here, it’s never going to change, and you should all just go fuck yourselves, because you’re poor and nobody cares about you and nobody ever will,” concluded the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States of America.

At press time the Court was preparing to hear final arguments in Koch vs USA which challenges the constitutionality of Article I, Section 9, Clause 8, which reads in part, “No title of nobility shall be granted by the United States.”

 

World Cup 2014 Continues To Baffle America

“Like, what are they doing?” asks confused populace.

Teenagers-watching-TV-001AP NEWSWIRE Sports fans across the length and breadth of the United States continue to express confusion about the World Cup, according to multiple surveys.

“All you need is a ball? Where’s the fun in that?” asked businessman Ralph Harridan as he finished purchasing a brand-new $250 golf bag, a $1200 set of clubs, and a $600 pair of Cole Haan golf spikes.

“You only get one point when you score? One lousy point?” exclaimed a perturbed Sarah Daniels, a schoolteacher, following a twenty-minute workout at the downtown Denver Bally Fitness before stopping into Dunkin’ Donuts for an egg, bacon and cheddar sandwich on a toasted croissant.

When asked what improvements could be made in order to get them interested in the sport, a group of Ohio 6th graders named violent collisions, naked ladies, and randomly placed land mines as strong incentives.

At press time, a band of drunk frat boys were yelling “GOOOOAAALLL!!!!” at the TV in a bar in Fresno.

CNN Premieres Season Two of Popular Flight MH370 Show

718210-a19d46cc-af9b-11e3-bbbe-18ebc4e71679ATLANTA, GA The worldwide leader in news is looking forward to a huge ratings bump in advance of an as-yet-unknown number of new episodes in its riveting series based on the disappearance of Malaysia Airlines flight MH370.

“We’re going to have a bunch of exciting guest stars who will speculate as to the whereabouts of the plane,” said managing editor Mark Whitaker in a recent interview with E Hollywood. “There will be charts and graphs with lots of arrows and shit, and the most exciting feature — poignant, moving 90-second profiles of some of the more interesting passengers,” he added.

Sources close to the network have confirmed that Aaron Sorkin is supervising the dialogue for the segments of the second season that will detail the NTSB investigation, and are intended to feel like a “CSI”-style procedural.

“There will be a regular cast of air disaster experts trying to piece together the mystery of what happened while also negotiating their own complex, sexually-charged interactions,” explained an associate producer on condition of anonymity. “It’s the definition of must-see TV.”

Ad buys for commercial breaks are starting in the low seven figures for a thirty-second spot.

Americans Ready To Ignore World Cup

Teenagers-watching-TV-001ASSOCIATED PRESS Citizens across the United States are eagerly gearing up to once again completely disregard the World Cup, in which players from around the world will compete in some kind of soccer tournament.

“Booooooooooooring,” said graphic designer Dale Murphy, 28, when asked if he planned to watch any of the matches.

He then proceeded to put his palms over his mouth and make a noise that sounded like farting.

At press time, ratings remained steady for the coverage of the NCAAW softball game on ESPN2.

I Took Zimbio’s Flesh-Eating Bacteria Quiz And I’m Necrotizing Fasciitis! Which One Are You?

Screen shot 2014-02-16 at 11.04.21 PM

It’s time to strap on those lab coats, open wide, and say “aaah!” There are all kinds of different flesh-eating bacterium, from the merely annoying to the kind that can eat through an entire city’s population in just a few days! Take this quiz to find out where you rate on the grand scale of microscopic carnivores!

Nation With 20 Aircraft Carriers Thinking Twice About Oppressing Man Who Owns Assault Rifle

“We need to be really cautious here,” says Admiral James Winnefeld, Vice Chairman, Joint Chiefs of Staff

redneck_gun_20100526_1984409262WASHINGTON, D.C. Today the Pentagon released an advisory to all United States armed forces warning them against any act that “might be construed as being in any way tyrannical” against West Virginia resident and automatic rifle owner and outspoken Second Amendment enthusiast Jesse Bart Bucephelus, to quote the memo.

The military response was immediate.

“We have re-routed the 4th Battalion, 17th Infantry Regiment, the 2nd Battalion, 5th Infantry Regiment, the 2nd Heavy Brigade Combat Team, and the entire Combat Aviation Brigade to maintain a respectful distance of the private citizen and assault rifle owner,” explained Major General Sean B. MacFarland of the 1st Armored Division in a press conference, referencing more than 10,000 troops, 250 M1 armored cars, 75 humvees, twenty-four M22 light airborne tanks and eighteen M1A1HA Abrams tanks, as well as various ancillary Howitzer artillery pieces, RPG launchers, armor-piercing autocannons, mortars, flamethrowers, sniper rifles and hand grenades.

“Mr. Bucephelus sent us a clear message with the purchase of his assault rifle, and we are responding immediately and appropriately,” stated Rear Admiral Michael Smith of Carrier Strike Group Three from the flag bridge of the USS John C. Stennis (CVN-74), as he ordered the supercarrier and its escort of two guided missile cruisers, four stealth destroyers, one carrier airwing, and an unknown number of Los Angeles-class nuclear fast-attack submarines to “back away from and keep out of” the area of the Atlantic ocean that is within 100 nautical miles of the assault rifle owner’s landlocked home.

Additionally, Lt. Gen. Tod D. Wolters of the Twelfth Air Force confirmed that flight plans were altered for twenty F-15 Eagle fighters, twelve AC-130 Spectre Gunships, seven A-10 Thunderbolts, six B-2 Spirit stealth bombers, and the entire operational wing of seventy-six B-52 Stratofortress superbombers so as not to interfere with the airspace over or around the home of Mr. Bucephelus.

Taking no chances, the United States further ordered the immediate disarmament of all 5,113 of the nation’s nuclear warheads, as well as the discontinuation of its spy satellite and predator drone programs.

At press time, the U.S. House of Representatives was quickly and efficiently killing every single bill that could possibly be interpreted as a threat to the Second Amendment.