Report: If You Thought 2013 Was Bad, Wait’ll You See 2014

“You’re going to want to be able to run fast for long distances.”

EndofWorldASSOCIATED PRESS NEWSWIRE According to a paper published today by a multinational research cooperative the year 2014 will be “historically problematic,” to quote the text’s abstract.

The news comes as something of a disappointment to the billions of humans across the globe who were holding out hope that the year 2014 would mark a turning point for humanity in general and their lives in particular.

“Yeah, according to the findings, that’s not going to happen,” said lead statistician Dr. Herbert ?berdorfer. “I personally wouldn’t have thought it possible, but, like,?wow, man, buckle up,” he added, as he casually flipped through the 417-page tome chronicling the upcoming year’s likely catastrophes.

Although specifics were not yet made available to the press, the report’s table of contents include entries like “Political Problems” (27 pages), “Humanitarian Crises” (184 pages), and “Beloved Sports Teams That Will Lay An Egg” (12 heartbreaking pages).

“If you haven’t put together one of those home disaster kits, now is a good time” said Dr. ?berdorfer. “In fact, now is going to be the last good time for… for a while,” he added.

Economists familiar with the report’s findings were quick to note that while the bad news is that the global financial situation is not going to improve in the new year, the good news is that “everyone will be too busy dealing with other things to care about money,” according to a public relations representative for the World Bank.

At press time, rumors were circulating that the President’s annual New Year’s Eve address would include encouragements for Americans to party like there will be “no tomorrow,” and to buy “lots and lots of duct tape.”


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