HOLLYWOOD, CA Celebrity Elizabeth Olson must have shorted Tesla.

When asked by reporters outside her favorite lunch caf? what might have caused a battery fire in one of the world?s most famous electric cars on a Seattle highway, the star purportedly muttered something about Tropical Storm Karen, according to entertainment reporters that are completely making this up.

?Obviously, Elizabeth Olson is getting her information from secret radio waves that only rich people can disseminate,? said a frothing-at-the-mouth crazy person whose statement should not be considered a credible source by serious journalists.

?This is the biggest news since the Hindenburg,? added an excited nine-year-old standing nearby who overhead the exchange.

?I just learned about the Hindenburg today in school,? the future date-challenged frustrated nerd added.

At press time, members of the media were frantically trying to think of somebody even less qualified to ask for an opinion about what might have caused the Tesla battery fire.

Correction: an earlier version of this article incorrectly identified Ms. Olson as a twin. She is in fact the younger sister of twin siblings Mary Kate and Ashley Olson, and has no twin, unless one counts the extreme likelihood that she does have a twin in another universe along the multiverse infinitum.

HOLLYWOOD, CA ?Watching from a secure bunker somewhere in northern Africa, Taliban officials were reportedly besides themselves with grief after once again failing to take home a single award.

“After we were referenced in several episodes of ‘Breaking Bad’ we thought for sure this would be our year,” explained senior public relations official Mohammed al-Nassid via untraceable satellite phone. “But once again we see how the American infidel and his Western-centric, Judeo-Christian worldview denies true artists their just rewards.”

Al-Quaeda officials had put a huge PR push on their Emmy campaign this year, going so far as to stage a major attack at a Kenyan mall in the very days leading up to the annual awards ceremony, garnering front-page headlines around the world.

“All this planning, all this activity, all the lives lost, and for what?” asked al-Nassid. “What’s it going to take?”

Middle East news outlet Al Jazeera claims this is the worst Emmys snub the Taliban have endured since 2001, when they went home empty-handed despite having completely dominated nearly every minute of television for a period of several months.

ATLANTA, GA ?Overwhelmed media specialists around the country are scrambling to fervently deny rumors that Miley Cyrus’s ex-boyfriend Liam Hemsworth and heartthrob Scott Eastwood are somehow intimately involved with the release of the powerful new iOS7.

“It’s as if somebody went on Google Trends, saw that these three things were all making headlines on the same day, and decided it couldn’t be a coincidence,” explained a stressed out public relations associate for Apple, which today unveiled its newest mobile platform operating system.

“This is a great example of why it’s important to time product releases carefully,” said Professor Gunther Axelrod from his post as Director of the Max Planck Institute For Social Sciences. “Otherwise, your branding message could get lost in an avalanche of completely unrelated bullshit.”

At press time there was no word yet from Apple on how it planned to distance itself from Mr. Hemsworth and Mr. Eastwood.

Neither celebrity could be reached for comment.