WASHINGTON, D.C. Under increasing pressure from Tea Party Republicans in both chambers of Congress, House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) disappeared today after entering the Federal Witness Protection Program.
“I’m going to find that sonofabitch and kill him,” commented Senator Ted Cruz (R-Texas), one of the Tea Party’s leading Washington presences and a leading advocate of a form of government that consists of no government whatsoever.
“Nobody turns their back on the party. Nobody,” added the Senator, ominously, as thick-necked aides cracked their knuckles and adjusted noticeable bulges beneath their suit jackets.
Boehner, who it was widely speculated might have to break the so-called Hastert Rule and, with the threat of a United States fiscal default looming, introduce legislation that did not have the backing of a majority of House Republicans, chose instead to just run away and hide.
“John Boehner is a fucking coward,” remarked Congressman Rich Nugent (R-Florida).
When the congressional floor opened for the GOP to nominate a new speaker, every single member sat in silence staring at the floor, hoping not to be noticed.
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