Bentonville, AR? Representatives for Walmart, America’s largest and most influential private retail employer, announced today plans to include sales of the hotly anticipated Retina iPad Mini as part of its post-Thanksgiving Black Friday event, in exchange for the actual retinas of consumers.
“It’s not enough that we have violently, some might say fatally, transformed a major American family holiday into a no-holds-barred, free-for-all stampede down the aisles to see who can put the most money into our pockets the fastest,” the press representative remarked. “This year we’d also like to see people part with vital sensory organs to prove their brand loyalty.”
The announcement has come under criticism from the ACLU, Doctors Without Borders, President Obama, and a few other “bleeding heart wastes of time,” according to an official Walmart press release, but otherwise enjoys the overwhelming support of most of the nation.
“We still want your money, but money can’t buy everything,” explained the press representative. “Specifically, it can’t buy the Retina iPad Mini. If you want one of those, it will cost you your retinas.”
Asked if he would personally be in attendance at the Black Friday event, Walmart CEO Mike Duke told reporters that he planned to spend the day with his loved ones at home, eating turkey, watching football, “and keeping a close eye on how many retinas we collect.”
“Get it?” he added. “‘Keeping a close eye?‘ See what I did there?”
At press time, futures in body part harvesting contractors were way, way up.
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