SEATTLE, WA ?This morning, following the resignation of CEO Thorsten Heins and a steep plummet in share prices, a forceably cheery spokesperson for Blackberry announced that the company is spending its remaining venture capital on a high-risk, high-reward strategy to develop a time machine and then transport the world back to an era before the iPhone existed.
“We think this will be the most effective way to make Blackberry products relevant again and return value to our shareholders,” the sweating, shaking spokesperson said as his voice cracked.
Rejected plans included buying up smartphone competitors like Apple and Google and discontinuing their popular lines of iPhones and Androids, creating a virus that would disrupt the operating systems of those phones, and a massive marketing campaign that would involve trendy celebrities who would compare using competitor phones to being really lame and uncool.
“At this point, we’ve really exhausted all the other options,” the spokesperson concluded.
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