“I mean is he still going to be worth $24M/year when he’s 41?” asks deceased South African President.

CAPETOWN, SOUTH AFRICA ?As part of a post-mortem press conference with gathered journalists from around the world, former South African president and global inspiration Nelson Mandela offered his thoughts on a variety of subjects, including the recent blockbuster 10-year, $240M deal signed by perennial All-Star Robinson Cano, formerly of the New York Yankees, with the Seattle Mariners.

“First of all, I think it’s pretty absurd that anyone gets paid that much money to hit a base ball, no matter how hard it is to do,” remarked the man who once spent 27 years in prison before rising to the presidency and uniting a nation plagued by Apartheid and the ghosts of British colonialism.

“Although when I think about how much money the owners are making off of the players’ talent and ability, I guess it sort of makes sense??I don’t know,” he added.

President Mandela then spoke at length about the challenges that face the African continent before returning to the original topic.

“I’m just not sure about Curtis Granderson going to the Amazin’s,” said the Nobel Peace Prize winner who died yesterday. “Is that going to be a good move? Is it just about the money? Would he have stayed on with the Yankees if they hadn’t signed Jacoby Ellsbury?”

At press time, the beloved philanthropist and symbol for hope was seen speaking to aides about the wisdom or folly of conducting the Superbowl in a cold-weather city.

SEATTLE, WA ?The Amazon Prime Air delivery service today reported that its drones have confirmed that Olympian Tom Daley, who recently came out in a dramatic YouTube video, does not play for the top-ranked NFC West Seattle Seahawks.

“There were rumors prior to the start of this NFL season that an active professional football player would come out as gay,” explained an Amazon spokesperson. “Tom Daley, although an accomplished athlete, is in no way, shape, or form affiliated with the National Football League or the Seattle Seahawks.”

The news came as a huge relief to millions of bigoted Americans who are convinced that the nation’s most-watched sport contains absolutely no homosexuals, and never has, and never will, despite common sense and significant statistical studies to the contrary, not to mention widespread rumors surrounding certain of its participants, some of whom have indeed come out following their retirements.

GETTYSBURG, PA ?Assassinated United States President Abraham Lincoln, famous for his tall lanky frame, stovepipe hat, and distinctive facial hair, told reporters today that he “deeply regrets” that his Gettysburg Address, popularly remembered as having something to do with what the score was in the Civil War at the time it was given, was far too long to be successfully broadcast on Twitter.

“I used words like ‘continent’ and ‘proposition,'” lamented the man whose entire legislative agenda was hijacked by a large group of rascally bellicose southerners. “Do you know how many characters I wasted on ‘consecrate?’ Ten. Ten!”

“Ain’t nobody got time for that!” shouted a heckler from the back of the press room as the man best remembered by current generations as some kind of a vampire slayer nodded sadly in agreement.

Asked if he could give the address over again, the 16th President solemnly distributed the following text to the assembled reporters:

87yrs ago r fthrs mak nu n8shn 4 lbrty & all peeps r =. Now bad war. We here 2 rmbr dead sldrs. We shld fnsh wrk strtd. Govt of ppl not die.

CNN announced that later tonight, in remembrance of The Gettysburg Address, a version of the new and improved speech will be shown as a graphic, edited into a shorter length.

Apparently, multi-millionaire athletes have not been paying attention to the death of the publishing industry.

TAMPA, FL New York Yankees shortstop and future automatic first-ballot Hall of Famer Derek Jeter announced today that next year he will launch a publishing company, evidently making him completely oblivious to the impending death of print-based enterprises.

“This is like Citizen Kane,” said a source with knowledge of the situation who wished to remain anonymous because he hopes to siphon money away from the aging star until he is nothing more than a bankrupt shell of his former self, trading autographs for food out of the back of a van.

“I think books are a great thing, and especially kids should have unlimited access to them,” stated Mr. Jeter, who apparently is unfamiliar with eBooks, books-on-tape, the Internet, declining rates of literacy, or the rapidly growing number of newspapers, magazines, and publishing companies that are careening at breakneck speed towards bankruptcy, or are already there.

“This is a great idea,” concluded the athlete.

At press time, it was announced that one of the publishing company’s first efforts will be a book about how quickly retired sports figures lose all of their money on ill-advised, often completely ridiculous bone-headed investment failures.

Bentonville, AR? Representatives for Walmart, America’s largest and most influential private retail employer, announced today plans to include sales of the hotly anticipated Retina iPad Mini as part of its post-Thanksgiving Black Friday event, in exchange for the actual retinas of consumers.

“It’s not enough that we have violently, some might say fatally, transformed a major American family holiday into a no-holds-barred, free-for-all stampede down the aisles to see who can put the most money into our pockets the fastest,” the press representative remarked. “This year we’d also like to see people part with vital sensory organs to prove their brand loyalty.”

The announcement has come under criticism from the ACLU, Doctors Without Borders, President Obama, and a few other “bleeding heart wastes of time,” according to an official Walmart press release, but otherwise enjoys the overwhelming support of most of the nation.

“We still want your money, but money can’t buy everything,” explained the press representative. “Specifically, it can’t buy the Retina iPad Mini. If you want one of those, it will cost you your retinas.”

Asked if he would personally be in attendance at the Black Friday event, Walmart CEO Mike Duke told reporters that he planned to spend the day with his loved ones at home, eating turkey, watching football, “and keeping a close eye on how many retinas we collect.”

“Get it?” he added. “‘Keeping a close eye?‘ See what I did there?”

At press time, futures in body part harvesting contractors were way, way up.

SEATTLE, WA ?This morning, following the resignation of CEO Thorsten Heins and a steep plummet in share prices, a forceably cheery spokesperson for Blackberry announced that the company is spending its remaining venture capital on a high-risk, high-reward strategy to develop a time machine and then transport the world back to an era before the iPhone existed.

“We think this will be the most effective way to make Blackberry products relevant again and return value to our shareholders,” the sweating, shaking spokesperson said as his voice cracked.

Rejected plans included buying up smartphone competitors like Apple and Google and discontinuing their popular lines of iPhones and Androids, creating a virus that would disrupt the operating systems of those phones, and a massive marketing campaign that would involve trendy celebrities who would compare using competitor phones to being really lame and uncool.

“At this point, we’ve really exhausted all the other options,” the spokesperson concluded.