Report: If You Thought 2013 Was Bad, Wait’ll You See 2014

“You’re going to want to be able to run fast for long distances.”

EndofWorldASSOCIATED PRESS NEWSWIRE According to a paper published today by a multinational research cooperative the year 2014 will be “historically problematic,” to quote the text’s abstract.

The news comes as something of a disappointment to the billions of humans across the globe who were holding out hope that the year 2014 would mark a turning point for humanity in general and their lives in particular.

“Yeah, according to the findings, that’s not going to happen,” said lead statistician Dr. Herbert ?berdorfer. “I personally wouldn’t have thought it possible, but, like,?wow, man, buckle up,” he added, as he casually flipped through the 417-page tome chronicling the upcoming year’s likely catastrophes.

Although specifics were not yet made available to the press, the report’s table of contents include entries like “Political Problems” (27 pages), “Humanitarian Crises” (184 pages), and “Beloved Sports Teams That Will Lay An Egg” (12 heartbreaking pages).

“If you haven’t put together one of those home disaster kits, now is a good time” said Dr. ?berdorfer. “In fact, now is going to be the last good time for… for a while,” he added.

Economists familiar with the report’s findings were quick to note that while the bad news is that the global financial situation is not going to improve in the new year, the good news is that “everyone will be too busy dealing with other things to care about money,” according to a public relations representative for the World Bank.

At press time, rumors were circulating that the President’s annual New Year’s Eve address would include encouragements for Americans to party like there will be “no tomorrow,” and to buy “lots and lots of duct tape.”

 

Nelson Mandela Not Sure About Robinson Cano, Curtis Granderson Moves

“I mean is he still going to be worth $24M/year when he’s 41?” asks deceased South African President.

mandela415x479CAPETOWN, SOUTH AFRICA ?As part of a post-mortem press conference with gathered journalists from around the world, former South African president and global inspiration Nelson Mandela offered his thoughts on a variety of subjects, including the recent blockbuster 10-year, $240M deal signed by perennial All-Star Robinson Cano, formerly of the New York Yankees, with the Seattle Mariners.

“First of all, I think it’s pretty absurd that anyone gets paid that much money to hit a base ball, no matter how hard it is to do,” remarked the man who once spent 27 years in prison before rising to the presidency and uniting a nation plagued by Apartheid and the ghosts of British colonialism.

“Although when I think about how much money the owners are making off of the players’ talent and ability, I guess it sort of makes sense??I don’t know,” he added.

President Mandela then spoke at length about the challenges that face the African continent before returning to the original topic.

“I’m just not sure about Curtis Granderson going to the Amazin’s,” said the Nobel Peace Prize winner who died yesterday. “Is that going to be a good move? Is it just about the money? Would he have stayed on with the Yankees if they hadn’t signed Jacoby Ellsbury?”

At press time, the beloved philanthropist and symbol for hope was seen speaking to aides about the wisdom or folly of conducting the Superbowl in a cold-weather city.

 

Income Inequality and the Slippery Slope

income_inequalityToday, on the heels of President Obama’s speech on income inequality, fast food workers in 100 American cities went on strike in an effort to gain higher wages.

The Guardian has an interview today with one of the striking workers, Laurentina, who earns $9.15/hr working at McDonald’s and is trying to raise four children as a single mother.

However you may feel about it, there can be no doubt that income inequality is a very real and very unbalanced condition in the United States. As the chart I published earlier this week clearly demonstrates, wealth is rapidly diminishing among the bottom 90% of earners. ?The story of the middle class in the last twenty years has been the story of its disappearance. Again, however you might feel about it, there can be no doubt that America is hurtling towards a new economic paradigm that will contain three possible states: the obscenely wealthy (~1%), the not-far-behind (~9%), and the poor (~90%).

Back to Laurentina. I wonder how many people will read her story today and think to themselves, “why does someone who works at McDonald’s think it’s okay to be a single mother with four kids?”

I know I certainly had this reaction at one point reading the article. And it scared me. Because as the remaining vapors of the middle class go quietly into that good night, as jobless rates remain stagnant and an increasing number of potential workers stop searching for jobs because there are none to be had, and as wealth continues to accumulate amongst the top 1% of the nation’s earners, what other opportunities to Laurentina and the hundreds of millions like her have?

And yet, that is how the United States contextualizes a case like this: it’s Laurentina’s fault. She shouldn’t have had those kids. She shouldn’t have allowed her marriage to end (or if she was never married, she should have). She should work harder.

Recent sociological work potently challenges these?antiquated notions of America as a land of opportunity in which anyone can rise to the top if they just apply themselves. But I think there’s another systemic assumption at play here, one that has thus far stayed largely in the shadows.

I would like to see a national conversation on the following topic: what do we as Americans believe are opportunities that anyone can/should have access to, and what do we feel should only be available to those who can pay for it?

Because I am concerned that as money disappears from the masses we are fast approaching a place where we decide that marriages, children, housing, and access to police and fire and even water should only be available to those who can specifically pay for it.

Certainly until very recently this is how Americans felt about access to health care. Challenging this ideology has proven to be extraordinarily difficult, meeting resistance at every turn, not just from the expected people and institutions who do not benefit from the dilution of what was previously an exclusive privilege of their wealth, but also from the very people who stand to benefit the most.

 

Jacoby Ellsbury Doesn’t Know Who Will Complete Bill Beckwith, Paul Walker Triad

jacoby-ellsbury-for-john-varvatos-style-substanceNEW YORK, NY ?During a press conference today about his recent departure from the Boston Red Sox and acceptance of a huge contract with the New York Yankees, outfielder Jacoby Ellsbury provided no clues to the gathered celebrity-frenzied media about who might be the next famous person to die in an untimely vehicle accident and thus complete the “rule of three” triad started by Paul Walker and continued by Bill Beckwith.

“I really don’t know,” commented Ellsbury, “does the Bronx train crash count at all?”

“I guess not,” he added, “because I don’t recall anyone famous being aboard.”

Yankees captain Derek Jeter, attending the press event in solidarity with his new teammate, made a brief statement to the effect that celebrities should probably avoid any unnecessary risks involving cars, motorcycles, public transit, boats, planes or helicopters until the triad is complete.

“Wait, what about the guy that was driving [Paul] Walker’s car?” asked Ellsbury as he returned to the microphone, referring to professional driver Roger Rodas. “I heard he was pretty famous in race car circles.”

At press time, journalists from E! were preparing an interactive poll for their website to gauge the fame level of Roger Rodas.

 

Amazon Prime Air Reports Tom Daley Does Not Play For Seattle Seahawks

nfl_g_carroll_kh_576x324SEATTLE, WA ?The Amazon Prime Air delivery service today reported that its drones have confirmed that Olympian Tom Daley, who recently came out in a dramatic YouTube video, does not play for the top-ranked NFC West Seattle Seahawks.

“There were rumors prior to the start of this NFL season that an active professional football player would come out as gay,” explained an Amazon spokesperson. “Tom Daley, although an accomplished athlete, is in no way, shape, or form affiliated with the National Football League or the Seattle Seahawks.”

The news came as a huge relief to millions of bigoted Americans who are convinced that the nation’s most-watched sport contains absolutely no homosexuals, and never has, and never will, despite common sense and significant statistical studies to the contrary, not to mention widespread rumors surrounding certain of its participants, some of whom have indeed come out following their retirements.

Income Distribution and the Disappearing Middle Class

Net_worth_and_financial_wealth

I don’t have much to say about this that I haven’t already said. I just thought it would be a good idea if this chart were spread far and wide around the internet.

Credit: Professor G. William Domhoff, Sociology Dept., University of California at Santa Cruz.

http://www2.ucsc.edu/whorulesamerica/power/wealth.html

What Does ?Obamacare? Have in Common With Tesla?

They?re both on the receiving end of hysterical attack marketing.

2122261018_monopoly_elec_banking_ed_bx_xlargeThe most significant health care reform in the history of the United States, one that will make comprehensive affordable health care available to every citizen regardless of caste or medical history, is being called a failure in every major news media outlet because its website has some problems.

The world?s first non-gimmicked, non-planned-obsolescence electric car, the product of one of the nation?s most promising new innovative manufacturing startups, receives media attention mainly because three of its cars caught fire following collisions, the first occurrence of which suspiciously became a YouTube sensation when a passing motorist ?just happened? to notice that it was a Tesla.

What the hell is going on here?

Monopolies resist innovation and change. The most cost-effective way for behemoth institutions to maintain their size and power is to ensure that nothing can possibly compete with their products or services. Open markets are bad, goes the thinking, because an open market could potentially produce a competitor with a significantly better product or service. Monopolies win so long as the status quo goes unthreatened.

Since its origins, the financial paradigm at the heart of the auto industry has been the internal combustion engine and its reliance on oil. Huge institutional fortunes all over the world hinge on the continued success of this increasingly obsolescent machine and its rapidly diminishing fuel source, and the continued delay via any means available of the implementation of the proven technologies that will supplant and replace ICEs and their fuel source is in the best interests of the people sitting atop those institutions.

The auto industry?s resistance to change is well-documented. For decades, American automakers in particular relied upon patriotism and a ?who cares? attitude towards innovation, fuel economy, and emissions regulations to excuse a lethargic path-of-least-resistance guideline for product development.

Similarly, the nation?s health care providers have been complicit in creating an industry whose primary aim is to be profitable. Even common-sense measures with clear health advantages, such as the implementation of electronic medical records, have met with massive industry-wide resistance and only gained traction thanks to equally massive government regulatory efforts that have included tax credits and other forms of federal funding to financially reward health care providers for adapting the technology.

One effective form of resistance is to control the public conversation, and both the health care and automobile establishments have been successful in their attempts, overt or otherwise, to shape the news media?s presentation of both the Affordable Care Act and the development of Tesla?s next generation of cars as largely failures. Worth wondering is how much of a controlling interest those industries have in some of the nation?s news media outlets.

Given?the shrill nature of headlines about ?Obamacare? and exploding Tesla cars, it seems at least plausible that institutions with a vested interest in protecting their status quo are making some noise.

Abraham Lincoln Regrets Gettysburg Address Not Twitter Friendly

guns abraham lincoln bears constitution 1920x1080 wallpaper_www.vehiclehi.com_37GETTYSBURG, PA ?Assassinated United States President Abraham Lincoln, famous for his tall lanky frame, stovepipe hat, and distinctive facial hair, told reporters today that he “deeply regrets” that his Gettysburg Address, popularly remembered as having something to do with what the score was in the Civil War at the time it was given, was far too long to be successfully broadcast on Twitter.

“I used words like ‘continent’ and ‘proposition,'” lamented the man whose entire legislative agenda was hijacked by a large group of rascally bellicose southerners. “Do you know how many characters I wasted on ‘consecrate?’ Ten. Ten!”

“Ain’t nobody got time for that!” shouted a heckler from the back of the press room as the man best remembered by current generations as some kind of a vampire slayer nodded sadly in agreement.

Asked if he could give the address over again, the 16th President solemnly distributed the following text to the assembled reporters:

87yrs ago r fthrs mak nu n8shn 4 lbrty & all peeps r =. Now bad war. We here 2 rmbr dead sldrs. We shld fnsh wrk strtd. Govt of ppl not die.

CNN announced that later tonight, in remembrance of The Gettysburg Address, a version of the new and improved speech will be shown as a graphic, edited into a shorter length.

Derek Jeter Announces Plan to Launch Publishing Company, Like An Idiot

Apparently, multi-millionaire athletes have not been paying attention to the death of the publishing industry.

derek-jeter-on-abcTAMPA, FL New York Yankees shortstop and future automatic first-ballot Hall of Famer Derek Jeter announced today that next year he will launch a publishing company, evidently making him completely oblivious to the impending death of print-based enterprises.

“This is like Citizen Kane,” said a source with knowledge of the situation who wished to remain anonymous because he hopes to siphon money away from the aging star until he is nothing more than a bankrupt shell of his former self, trading autographs for food out of the back of a van.

“I think books are a great thing, and especially kids should have unlimited access to them,” stated Mr. Jeter, who apparently is unfamiliar with eBooks, books-on-tape, the Internet, declining rates of literacy, or the rapidly growing number of newspapers, magazines, and publishing companies that are careening at breakneck speed towards bankruptcy, or are already there.

“This is a great idea,” concluded the athlete.

At press time, it was announced that one of the publishing company’s first efforts will be a book about how quickly retired sports figures lose all of their money on ill-advised, often completely ridiculous bone-headed investment failures.

Andy Kaufman is Not Still Alive, Reports Andy Kaufman

andykaufmanNEW YORK, NY ?Popular deceased actor and comedian Andy Kaufman today held a press conference to personally and vehemently refute rumors circulating online that he is not dead.

“I am definitely, 100%, completely dead,” Kaufman read from a statement, “and have been since May 16th, 1984.”

“I have not been alive since that time,” he added.

The press conference was hastily arranged in the wake of published reports in major news outlets claiming that Kaufman may in fact still be alive after a photograph of an eerily similar-looking woman surfaced in recent days.

“That picture is not of me, because I’m dead,” Kaufman concluded.

At press time, journalists thanked Mr. Kaufman for setting the record straight by releasing revisions and correctives to the earlier, erroneous reports.