Exit Polls: Rich White Men Doing Pretty Well

193xdpdbmcqdvjpgWASHINGTON, D.C. As exit poll data continues to pour in from voters all over the country one trend is beginning to emerge: wealthy Caucasians males are establishing a significant lead.

“Pretty much in every race across the boards we’re seeing strong correlative factors emerging in the numbers,” said poll analyst Robert Graves from Quinnipiac University. “Specifically, for the most part, the winners today will be white men with major financial resources.”

However, pollsters were quick to caution media outlets that a tremendous amount of variability lay within the seemingly homogeneous data.

“Whiteness, for example, is a relative term,” explained Delores von Schnoopenhauser of the influential think tank America Is For Americans. “Within the supermajority political establishment of electorally triumphant Caucasians we find a startling variance that includes everything from deeply tanned to quite pasty.”

“It’s a veritable smorgasbord of diversity,” continued von Schnoopenhauser.

At press time, newly minted lawmakers were hastily composing proposals to redefine voting districts to ensure even more rich white men will be competitive in future elections.

 

General Tso Declares Victory Over America

General Tso ReduxBEIJING, CHINA At a heavily anticipated press conference today the legendary General Tso declared “total and absolute” victory over the United States of America.

“The plan worked perfectly,” explained the renowned military commander. “We infiltrated America’s cities, deployed our weapons, and neutralized the ability of the enemy to wage war.”

Using a series of charts the general’s aides demonstrated how spiraling obesity rates and their resultant problems, such as rampant diabetes, have devastated the American war machine and rendered the former superpower helpless.

The general also praised the hard work of Chinese engineers in developing the weapons that achieved victory.

“Pork-fried rice, egg rolls, even fortune cookies — they all played an important part,” explained the general. “And of course, ultimate praise is due to our primary weapon, an irresistible, impossibly fatty and carb-laden sweet-and-sour sauce chock full of monosodium glutamate.

At press time, General Tso was rumored to be marshalling his forces to deal with threats against his newly conquered territories from P.F. Chang’s.

Report: 100% of Tourists Yelled “It’s The Big One!” During Napa Valley Earthquake

1297327347243_ORIGINALNAPA VALLEY, CA  Every vacationing man, woman and child within the radius of Sunday’s earthquake screamed “It’s the big one!” or some variation thereof, despite the temblor causing no fatalities, very few serious injuries, and lasting only 20 seconds, according to a survey conducted by Bridgeport University.

“I felt the ground moving and without even thinking I shrieked at my husband ‘Jesus Christ, Frank, it’s the big one! Get in the bathtub!‘” reported one typical respondent of the magnitude 6.0 earthquake, which California residents and most seismologists described as “pretty wimpy.”

Other common tourist responses included ‘Holy f–king s–t it’s the big one,‘ ‘Is this the big one, mommy?’ and ‘The big one! Aaaaaaaaaghhhhhhh!‘ even though the quake is estimated to have caused a mere $1B in damage.

The same survey found that 100% of the time vacationing tourists will identify a shadow in the water as a 25-foot Great White Shark, regardless of whether they are in an ocean, lake, river or hotel swimming pool.

Let’s Stop “Just Saying”

by Matthew DeCapua

headacheA great deal of virtual ink has been spilled since the unfortunate events of Ferguson, MO began to play out across the mass media and some if it is tapping into a larger issue that has long irked me.

As a nation we are obsessed with being right. We like to be right all the time. For some reason we think this is a realistic ambition and we pursue it with zealous determination to the point where we’re having a difficult time hearing one another anymore.

Too often, whether we are aware of it or not, we interpret a willingness to establish an actual dialogue that involves both talking and listening as weakness, or worse, a failing. We’re not really interested in discussion or debate. We’re not open to the possibility of learning new information or changing our perspective due to a well-reasoned argument that had not previously occurred to us.

We just want to be right. So we speak our mind, repeatedly, giving no quarter, acknowledging no alternative, louder and more defensively, until the other person either admits defeat or walks away.

One of the more recent socio-linguistic mechanisms we have developed to support this “style” of non-discussion is to conclude an opinion with the passive-aggressive deployment of the phrase “just saying.”

And at great risk of offending a lot of people I know and love, as of this moment I am on record as writing that the phrase “just saying” makes me sick to my stomach.

Let’s break it down.

The first of the many heinous things that “just saying” accomplishes is to immediately end the conversation. It’s the verbal equivalent of a smug smirk while walking away. The speaker has just gained the final — and right — words on the subject, and now the matter is closed to any possibility of further discussion.

That’s rude.

The second mortal sin of “just saying” is the tacit implication that, because the speaker is expressing a personal opinion, the speaker cannot be questioned. Any attempt at refutation or even further discussion can now freely be interpreted as a hostile personal attack, and responded to in kind. Once the “just saying” bomb has been dropped, it’s no longer a conversation. It’s a fight.

This leads to the most damning offense of “just saying.” By claiming the topic as a deeply-held personal belief, the speaker is in effect communicating that whatever personal feelings anyone else may have on the subject are not only irrelevant but also inferior to the speaker’s. It’s the equivalent of saying “your opinion does not matter to me, but mine had better matter to you, and we’re done here now.”

We live in a time of incredible tumult and churn, and it is not going to end anytime soon. It seems to me, therefore, that it is in everyone’s best interests to look for ways to communicate more, not less. There are no end of horrible examples playing out in today’s headlines to demonstrate what happens when people no longer care enough to truly listen to one another.

Rather than cut you off with a “just saying,” I would always rather sit down and hear you out, and hope that you will be willing to do the same with me. So let’s drop “just saying” from our collective vocabulary and replace it with something far more positive and useful.

You were saying…

Toyota Horrified To Learn It Is Official Car of ISIS

“Jesus Christ, you gotta be kidding me,” says CEO Akio Toyoda.

ToyotaTOYOTA CITY, JAPAN Company executives are in a state of utter disbelief as image after image confirmed their worst fears: Toyota is now indeed the official motor vehicle of the reprehensible, genocidal ISIS movement tragically spreading across the Middle East.

“Fuck me,” said Jim Lentz, chief marketing officer, North America, under his breath as ISIS militants celebrated a recent mass execution of innocent women and children by cheering and brandishing weapons for a CNN camera crew from the bed of a pickup truck with the word “Toyota” clearly visible across the tailgate.

Up and down Fifth Avenue advertising companies were preparing pitches for the inevitable round of commercials that will attempt to rescue the international brand’s reputation and make consumers forget about images of ISIS religious extremists running down fleeing refugees in Toyota SUVs.

“History teaches us that while Toyota has a tough road (har!) ahead, it’s not impossible to recover,” said market analyst Donald Jadier of the research film Gladys Nossen Enterprises. “People have all but forgotten that Mercedes was the official vehicle of the Third Reich.”

At press time, Toyota was seriously considering just changing its name and adopting a cartoon Panda as its new logo.

Putin Hires Ferguson Police To Train Russian Troops

“I like the way they do business,” boasts Russian leader.

BN-EB397_0811fe_G_20140812002628MOSCOW Russian President Vladimir Putin today ordered his military leaders to attend a month-long workshop intensive to be conducted by members of the Ferguson, Missouri police department.

“The violent death of innocents, the brutal oppression of speech and the press, high-end military weapons in the hands of undertrained people in uniforms with dreadful problem-solving skills — what’s not to like?” asked Mr. Putin.

As payment, Russia will provide the Ferguson police department with three T-90 tanks, a battery of 90mm artillery pieces, and a recently restored MIG-29 fighter jet.

“I look forward to deploying these advanced law enforcement tools to better serve and protect the people of Ferguson,” said Ferguson Police Chief Thomas Jackson as camouflage-clad SWAT teams in tactical gear casually pointed their assault rifles at gathered members of the media.

At press time, the Red Cross estimated that the 21,135 former residents of Ferguson were now refugees fleeing the area.

 

Ferguson Police: Look! A Squirrel!

“Everybody look over there, in the opposite direction, away from the town!” adds Missouri police department.

Police officers keep watch while demonstrators protest the death of black teenager Michael Brown in FergusonFERGUSON, MO Local law enforcement personnel conducted a press conference today in response to an overwhelmingly negative national dialogue critiquing the misconduct of police forces following massive protests in the wake of the fatal shooting of an unarmed teenager.

“I can’t believe how cute that squirrel is,” said Police Chief Thomas Jackson while excitedly pointing out a window. “It’s got a huge acorn stuffed into its mouth and it’s hopping around,” he added, while a SWAT team in full tactical gear and armed with assault rifles quietly escorted from the room members of the press who were attempting to record the proceedings.

“Aww, look, now it’s frolicking with one of its friends,” said Chief Jackson, his voice rising to disguise the sound of tear gas canisters landing amongst protesting citizens.

“Or maybe it’s a boy squirrel and a girl squirrel,” said the Chief as a mine-resistant armored personnel carrier rumbled down the sleepy streets and reminded residents of the on-going curfew.

At press time the squirrel was being detained for questioning.

 

Hillary Clinton Announces She Will Run In 5K

“Did you think I was running for something else?” she asks innocently.

hillary-clinton-unflattering-photo-cheeringWASHINGTON, D.C. Former First Lady, Senator and Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton today announced in front of a standing-room-only press conference that she will run in a local charity 5K event to raise funds for underserved District of Columbia schools.

As reporters groaned and turned off their recording devices Mrs. Clinton described how she’s been training for the event with her daughter, Chelsea, who will also be participating.

“Here is a map of the route,” added the person who is widely considered a lock for the Democratic Party’s nomination for the presidency, should she decide to pursue it. “There’s lots of hills, as you can see, but that shouldn’t be a problem for someone named ‘Hillary.'”

At press time, unconfirmed rumors were circulating that Mrs. Clinton was spotted looking at shoes in a sporting goods store.

Supreme Court To Nation: Fuck You

“Right up the ass,” adds judicial branch.

john-robertsWASHINGTON, D.C. In a controversial but ultimately inevitable 5-4 ruling, the Supreme Court today set a powerful new precedent when it essentially affirmed the constitutionality of rich people doing whatever they want, whenever they want, with absolutely no consequences.

“The state has no authority to dictate the behavior of the wealthy,” wrote Chief Justice John Roberts in the majority opinion while doctors surgically removed the one shred of integrity he had left in his body and replaced it with a gun-shaped Bible full of money.

“So long as the behavior is covered by an embarrassingly transparent and completely horseshit religious explanation, and so long as the perpetrator controls vast sums of money, then it is fully constitutional and everyone should just shut the hell up already,” continued Roberts.

“Seriously, you assholes, this is the way we do it here, it’s never going to change, and you should all just go fuck yourselves, because you’re poor and nobody cares about you and nobody ever will,” concluded the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States of America.

At press time the Court was preparing to hear final arguments in Koch vs USA which challenges the constitutionality of Article I, Section 9, Clause 8, which reads in part, “No title of nobility shall be granted by the United States.”

 

World Cup 2014 Continues To Baffle America

“Like, what are they doing?” asks confused populace.

Teenagers-watching-TV-001AP NEWSWIRE Sports fans across the length and breadth of the United States continue to express confusion about the World Cup, according to multiple surveys.

“All you need is a ball? Where’s the fun in that?” asked businessman Ralph Harridan as he finished purchasing a brand-new $250 golf bag, a $1200 set of clubs, and a $600 pair of Cole Haan golf spikes.

“You only get one point when you score? One lousy point?” exclaimed a perturbed Sarah Daniels, a schoolteacher, following a twenty-minute workout at the downtown Denver Bally Fitness before stopping into Dunkin’ Donuts for an egg, bacon and cheddar sandwich on a toasted croissant.

When asked what improvements could be made in order to get them interested in the sport, a group of Ohio 6th graders named violent collisions, naked ladies, and randomly placed land mines as strong incentives.

At press time, a band of drunk frat boys were yelling “GOOOOAAALLL!!!!” at the TV in a bar in Fresno.