World Cup 2014 Continues To Baffle America

“Like, what are they doing?” asks confused populace.

Teenagers-watching-TV-001AP NEWSWIRE Sports fans across the length and breadth of the United States continue to express confusion about the World Cup, according to multiple surveys.

“All you need is a ball? Where’s the fun in that?” asked businessman Ralph Harridan as he finished purchasing a brand-new $250 golf bag, a $1200 set of clubs, and a $600 pair of Cole Haan golf spikes.

“You only get one point when you score? One lousy point?” exclaimed a perturbed Sarah Daniels, a schoolteacher, following a twenty-minute workout at the downtown Denver Bally Fitness before stopping into Dunkin’ Donuts for an egg, bacon and cheddar sandwich on a toasted croissant.

When asked what improvements could be made in order to get them interested in the sport, a group of Ohio 6th graders named violent collisions, naked ladies, and randomly placed land mines as strong incentives.

At press time, a band of drunk frat boys were yelling “GOOOOAAALLL!!!!” at the TV in a bar in Fresno.

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