“What were we thinking?”
NEW YORK, NY Millions of New Yorkers started the first commute of 2014 under the sober reality that the city is in the iron grip of an Italian.
“I noticed the subway was extra-crowded this morning. Not even two days on the job and he’s already [expletive] up the MTA,” exclaimed John McIntyre, who owns and operates one of the city’s 255 Starbucks locations.
Others were less complimentary.
“This is complete [expletive], my friend,” declared cab driver Ghomatzabi al-Nassib. “I can’t [expletive] believe this [expletive] [expletive].”
Unencumbered by early criticism, Mayor De Blasio unveiled his administration’s legislative agenda for the first 60 days, which he calls “Primi y Antipasti.” Highlights include:
- “Stop and frisk” will be replaced by a new program in which uniformed NYPD officers will approach individuals and say, “hey guy, c’mere, I wanna talk to you.”
- A new law to strictly regulate the use of the name “Ray” amongst the city’s roughly 25,000 pizza parlors.
- Cannolis.
At press time, Mayor De Blasio’s aides were reaching out to long-time Saturday Night Live producer Lorne Michaels to set up a “discussion” regarding which cast member will portray the mayor.
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