2014 Will Be Good Year For Rich People

And their children and grandchildren.

007_mso_Optics_001_klein-710954NEW YORK, NY As hundreds of thousands of displaced Afghani children start to shiver in the sub-freezing temperatures of a cold winter’s night, wealthy executives and financiers the world over prepared to ring in the new year in the lavish comfort and warmth of their multi-million dollar estates, eating caviar and drinking champagne served by their proletariat waitstaff who are just grateful to have a job, any job at all.

“2013 was pretty good, but I really can’t wait for 2014,” said hedge fund entrepreneur and international playboy Lord Preston Bledwicke VI as his finest concubines hand-fed him organic Condor’s eggs seasoned with the tears of Syrian political refugees.

Analysts and forecasters the world over agree that the new year will undoubtedly result in the top 1% of earners securing most of the remaining wealth assets that are controlled, for the moment at least, by the nearly extinguished middle class.

“My daddy said he’s going to buy me an African diamond mine,” exclaimed five-year-old Sophia Ivanna Guinevere McIntire, blissfully unaware of the literally countless lives lost by so-called “blood diamond” operations in an area still reeling from the effects of centuries of brutally oppressive, ruthlessly extractive European colonialism.

When asked what else the 99% could possibly give up to help increase the wealthiest’s already absurd amount of resources, a press representative for the rich replied, “sexual favors.”

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