“Try again in 100 years,” says galactic organization

VULCAN – Citing the fall of liberalism in the planet’s major nation-states and the rise of populist demagoguery in its place, the United Federation of Planets voted today to reject Earth’s membership application.

“We regret that the present socio-political climate on Earth, with its skeptical views towards science, its over-emphasis on wealth accumulation, and its growing rates of race and income inequality, is incompatible with the basic tenets of the Federation,” said UFP President Jaresh-Inyo in a tersely-worded written statement.

Per UFP rules, Earth is disqualified from additional consideration for the next hundred years.

World leaders reacted swiftly to condemn the decision.

“The UFP?has such great potential but right now it is just a club for people to get together, talk and have a good time. So sad!” tweeted newly inaugurated US President Donald J. Trump.

He was not alone.

“No one wants the UFP to suffer the fate of the League of Planets, which collapsed because it lacked real leverage. This is possible if influential planets bypass the UFP and take military action without Security Council authorization,” announced Russian President Vladimir Putin.

While Earth-based scientists expressed supreme dismay at the decision, which will prevent them from collaborating with colleagues in more advanced civilizations, others moved swiftly to profit from the turn of events.

“We have made inquiries with Viceroy Nute Gunray and Senator Palpatine about joining the Trade Federation,” announced incoming Secretary of State Rex Tillerman.

“What could possibly go wrong?”

Party of Lincoln seeks electric new field general.

CHICAGO ?The latest mock drafts show that analysts almost unanimously think the Republican Party will use its first round pick to draft a presidential candidate with broad-based appeal, according to the ESPN Draft Tracker.

“You always want to find a future hall-of-famer on Day One,” declared draft guru Mel Kiper. “This is a passing league, and the Republicans don’t have an obvious signal-caller that can lead the team down the field this fall.”

Sports Illustrated?football expert Peter King pointed to the GOP’s dearth of young talent. “Marco Rubio was supposed to be the face of the franchise, and that hasn’t worked out. They’re in desperate need of a youth infusion.”

But not all analysts agree. Walter?Cherepinsky?of Walter Football writes that the Republicans lack depth?on the Supreme Court,?Rob Rang of CBS Sports thinks the GOP “should build on strength and focus on Congress,” while NFL.com‘s Daniel Jeremiah?believes the party should address it’s deficiencies in the defensive secondary.

The draft starts on Thursday, April 28th.

STATEN ISLAND, NY Mayor Bill de Blasio’s attempt at a Snow Miser end-around with an appeal to the mythical groundhog failed miserably today when he accidentally dropped the animal in the midst of talks about whether or not it would see its shadow.

“At this point we’re running out of ideas,” explained a frustrated aide to the mayor when asked about stopping the snow that continues to fall on New York City.

At press time, minions of the Snow Miser were decorating midtown with banners that read “Mayor de Blizzardo.”