Biggest Loser in Bill Nye Debate

BillNyeDebatePETERSBURG, KY More than three hundred million Americans were big fat losers last night following a live debate between Bill Nye “The Science Guy” and the controversial founder of Answers in Genesis and The Creation Museum, Ken Ham.

“You weren’t there so you don’t really know,” explained Ham as concrete irrefutable support of creationism, trumping, in his mind anyway, pretty much the entire history of scientific observation, testing, and reasoned thought.

Early reports indicate that the “debate” substantially reduced the nation’s aggregate intelligence.

At press time, the United States continued to rank 29th in student mathematical performance as measured against all other industrialized nations.

Mayor de Blasio Botches Groundhog Day 2014

groundhog-day-2014-staten-island-chuck-makes-his-prediction-9bf663378e8eeac2STATEN ISLAND, NY Mayor Bill de Blasio’s attempt at a Snow Miser end-around with an appeal to the mythical groundhog failed miserably today when he accidentally dropped the animal in the midst of talks about whether or not it would see its shadow.

“At this point we’re running out of ideas,” explained a frustrated aide to the mayor when asked about stopping the snow that continues to fall on New York City.

At press time, minions of the Snow Miser were decorating midtown with banners that read “Mayor de Blizzardo.”

No Winners At Super Bowl Following Death of Philip Seymour Hoffman

Phillip-Seymour-HoffmanNEW YORK, NY The Denver Bronces, the Seattle Seahawks, the NFL, and every man, woman, and child on the planet that has ever been inspired by the arts all collectively lost Super Bowl XLVIII today before it even began when groundbreaking Academy Award winner, theatrical innovator, husband, and doting father Philip Seymour Hoffman, one of the most respected and admired artists of this or any time, was found dead of an apparent drug overdose in his Manhattan apartment at the age of 46.

The cultural loss is incalculable.

Wealthy White Man Assures Nation’s Women They’re Doing Fine

“You’ve got it really good, baby,” says guy in suit.

PaulWASHINGTON, D.C. A powerful, wealthy white man informed the nation’s women that as far as he knows they are collectively doing great things, making excellent salaries, and most importantly, not experiencing any gender-related disadvantages.

“There’s no reason to get your panties in a knot,” explained one of the country’s most prominent political leaders. “Why don’t you take the credit card and go get yourself something nice?”

“Maybe get your nails done. Treat yourself,” he continued.

At press time, the man was asking the nation’s women where he put his keys.

Pete Seeger State of the Union Opening Act Canceled

Death of popular folk singer spoils President’s introductory show.

SeegerWASHINGTON, D.C. The unexpected death of longtime American counter-culture icon and folk singer Pete Seeger prompted the cancellation of a pre-SOTU show that was to feature the performer, lyricist and banjo player.

This would have been the first time Mr. Seeger appeared in the Congressional chamber since his controversial testimony before the House Un-American Activities Committee, during which he refused to answer any questions about anything other than his songs.

Representatives for Miley Cyrus offered to make her available as a last-minute replacement act, but received the response “thanks, we’re good” from the White House.

At press time, it was widely rumored that a congressional delegation confiscated an acoustic guitar, a pair of sunglasses, and a headband from Vice President Joe Biden prior to the state of the union address.

Justin Bieber Arrest Scrambles Nation’s Bloggers

There’s only so much Google Juice to go around.

Arrested-for-stealing-our-hearts-justin-bieber-15847365-495-327HOLLYWOOD, CA The arrest of nineteen year old pop sensation Justin Bieber for suspicion of drag racing and driving while intoxicated has mobilized the nation’s bloggers into a mad dash to publish sensational headlines in an attempt to drive traffic to their websites, according to multiple sources.

Major news outlets are not immune to the frenzy, as headlines about Bieber secured front-page, top-of-fold coverage on CNN, NBC and Fox News.

Even now, web writers are frantically trying to spin the details of the incident, such as the failed sobriety test, the Lamborghini Bieber was driving, and even the Miami Beach location, in such a way as to maximize their google ranking and increase the click-throughs on their sites’ ads.

At press time, anxious producers were directing their interns to keep a close eye on competitor websites and report any new information.

Congress To Crack Down On New York Yankees Outsourcing

Bronx Bombers Payroll Dominated By Japanese, Hispanic Immigrants.

Kuroda-300x225NEW YORK, NY?Congress has announced it will launch an investigation into the controversial foreign services hiring practices of the New York Yankees in the wake of the seven-year, $155M contract announced today between the company and 25-year-old Japanese contractor Masahiro Tanaka.

“The American economy continues to struggle to add jobs, but the New York Yankees are happy to import foreign labor,” declared Representative Michele Bachman (R-Minnesota). “Congress cannot just sit idly by while perfectly good employment opportunities are being handed out left and right to immigrants.”

“Forty percent of the starting rotation are Japanese guys,” complained Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX). “That’s something like 360 innings a year that could easily be supplied by American workers.”

“And they have another 60% of the rotation that’s Hispanic!” continued the Senator. “Are you telling me there’s not a single white guy who can start a game at pitcher for the New York Yankees? This is disgraceful.”

The preliminary findings of Congress include recent Yankees employees originating from Puerto Rico, the Dominican Republic,?Cura?ao, Venezuela, Panama, Japan and Canada.

“Why is there a Canadian playing for the Yankees? Shouldn’t that guy be playing hockey?” asked House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio). “Something’s going on here.”

Yankees President Randy Levine was quick to point out that by hiring foreigners the team actually supports the local economy, as important jobs are created that might otherwise not exist.

“Most of these guys need translators, they need lawyers to help them clear their immigration paperwork, and all of [these foreigners] need financial planners on account of the absurd amounts of money we’re paying them,” explained Levine. “That’s a whole army of jobs for New Yorkers that otherwise wouldn’t be available.”

At press time, rumors were circulating that the impending Congressional investigation would interfere with the franchise’s plans to launch an Anime television series on Telemundo called “El Tanaka Supr?mo.”

New York City, Snow Miser Negotiations Collapse

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NEW YORK, NY Tense negotiations between newly inaugurated Mayor Bill deBlasio and the entity known as the Snow Miser ended today when city representatives refused to give any ground on demands for additional skating rinks in city parks.

The metropolis was immediately engulfed by a snowstorm.

“Given our recent economic hardships and the continuing fight to keep essential services such as police and schools open for business, there is just no way we can acquiesce to Snow Miser’s unreasonable requests for an ice palace in Central Park or a ski lift in Herald Square,” said a city spokesperson.

Asked for comment on the negotiations, representatives for the Snow Miser sang, in four-part harmony and accompanied by an impressive tuba section, “I never want to see a day that’s over forty degrees.?I’d rather have it thirty, twenty, ten, five and let it freeeeEEEEEEeeze!”

At press time, half an inch of snow had already accumulated in Central Park.

NOAA Weather Forecasts Recommend Alexandra Daddario To Prevent School Closings

“Because she’s really hot,” explains meteorologist

urlWASHINGTON, D.C. The nation’s weather bureau today strongly recommended that citizens of the Northeast turn to “True Detective” star Alexandra Daddario and her recent nude scene as a viable way of beating the extreme cold and blizzard conditions caused by yet another polar vortex.

“Alexandra is pretty smokin’ in those scenes,” said lead forecaster Brent Gaskell at today’s surprise press conference. “The opposite of cold is hot, and we figure the American public can pretty much take it from there.”

This is the first time NOAA has used the nude human figure as a public advisory since the controversial Fabio “beat the heat” campaign of the early ’90s, which attempted to capitalize on the romance novel figure’s “coolness.”

In Defense of Alex Rodriguez

imagesby Matthew DeCapua

The initial punishment handed down to Alex Rodriguez by Major League Baseball in the wake of the Bosch Anti-Aging Clinic scandal, an unprecedented 211-game suspension?for the fallen superstar, seemed somehow not right.

To wit: why was Rodriguez’s suspension more than four times as severe as those of other players who were guilty of the same infraction?

The cynical answer is, of course, money. As the game’s highest-paid player it stands to reason (for some) that should Rodriguez ever be caught cheating the punishment should be commensurate with the enormous wealth he has amassed playing baseball.

A more vengeful answer might be that Alex Rodriguez is, to use the vernacular, a complete wanker. By all accounts he is a?pretentious, egomaniacal, spoiled man-child, who is universally disliked even by fans of his own team(s). At best, he comes across as arrogant. At worst, he can act and sound like an unequivocal asshole.

However.

If justice and fair play are the penultimate goals of Major League Baseball, then obviously these two reasons carry no weight. The rules are supposed to be the same whether a player makes league minimum or the biggest salary ever inked into a contract. Likewise, as there are no dispensations for being an otherwise nice guy, neither can there be additional penalties for being a prick.

Perhaps, then, ?justice and fair play are not the primary aim.

There can be no doubt that Major League Baseball has endured a decades-long systemic league-wide era of rampant performance-enhancing drug use. This epidemic infected all 31 of the 31 clubhouses. To various degrees, nearly everyone involved in baseball during this era is in some way, shape or form, complicit. The players, untold numbers of them, who used the drugs. The other players, an embarrassingly small fraction of them, who did not use PEDs but saw others dope up and chose to remain silent about it. The coaches and trainers who helped administer the drugs, privately advocated their use, and/or willingly turned a blind eye. The press, who had suspicions, but chose not to investigate because stories about players accomplishing impossible on-field feats sold newspapers and sports books. And the owners, the networks, and the entity of Major League Baseball itself, all of whom sit at the top of the pyramid and profit obscenely from all of it.

Every single one of these complicit entities — players, coaches, scouts, reporters, networks, commentators, front offices, owners, and the league itself — were making a living, and in many cases a killing, by protecting the status quo. The pursuit of money was paramount in all of their minds, and the singular driving force behind all of the complicity.

A good financial world parallel would be the housing market bubble. All of the major players knew something serious was wrong. Many of them were actively cheating the system. Everyone was profiting from it. The only question was how long until the bubble burst.

In both instances, of course, everyone now knows that the emperor was wearing no clothes.

But this isn’t the story that’s playing out in the press — the same press that is undeniably part of the profiteering of the steroid era. This should be an age of humble mea culpas from essentially every single person connected to Major League Baseball, including the league itself, over the last twenty years. There should be a broad, transparent, and very public discussion about not only how to emphatically end the steroid era, but also how to prevent future similar scandals. This discussion should include a great many people, from the commissioner on down to the bat boys, from network executives on down to beat reporters, standing up and saying “I was wrong.”

But that’s not what’s happening.

Instead, there is a race to see who can point the biggest finger at the player most likely to successfully be framed not so much as emblematic of a broad, pervasive, all-inclusive, institutional problem, but rather as the problem, individually and independent of everyone and everything else.

The first such player to be saddled with this burden was Barry Bonds. The second was Roger Clemens. And now the third in the trifecta is Alex Rodriguez. The common elements of the three are that they all doped, they all became rich and famous thanks to baseball, and they’re all jerks with terrible personal reputations, bad press relationships, and few friends in places that matter.

Like nearly every fan, I would like to see Major League Baseball and the press that covers the game rigorously work to get performance enhancing drugs off the field and out of the clubhouses, and to deliver the message, especially to the game’s younger fans, that cheaters never prosper. But I am concerned that the public prosecution and disproportionate punishment of a player like Rodriguez represents an institution not so much interested in reform or making admission of an environment in which all parties were culpable, so much as an institution primarily concerned with its money.

The prosecution of Rodriguez and the zeal with which the press has covered it suggests that the fundamental flaw that permitted the steroid era in the first place has not yet even begun to be addressed. All of the pieces are therefore in place for future scandals that will threaten the integrity of the game.

You can’t pin that on Alex Rodriguez.