“What a shithole,” says al-Quaeda operative
SOCHI, RUSSIA Responding to toxic water supplies, scarce electricity, and tens of thousands of stray dogs roaming the Olympic village, major terrorist organizations have called off operations to disrupt the Winter Games.
“Half of the hotels look like they’ve already been bombed,” explained a press representative for the Chechnyan Liberation Army. “And the other half are little more than diseased, vermin-infested bordellos with no clean water.”
“We were going to detonate a biological weapon and blame it on the Iranians,” said Syrian president Bashar al-Assad. “But look – there are huge piles of dog turds everywhere.”
“I mean,?everywhere,” continued al-Assad.
“I heard that the pestilential Western infidel reporters are having to sleep in the cum-soaked beds of prostitutes with no internet, no electricity, no towels, no clean water, and not even a decent cup of coffee,” said al-Quaeda top lieutenant Nasser al-Wuhayshi. “The best way to make the unbelievers suffer is to force them to endure every interminable second of this torturous Russian hospitality. The attacks are canceled.”
At press time, several terrorist organizations were seriously considering sending aid to the Sochi area.
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