Steiner Sports To Sell Derek Jeter’s Retirement

djNEW YORK, NY Following closely on the heels of the future first-ballot Hall-of-Famer’s intention to retire following the 2014 season, sports memorabilia empire Steiner Sports quickly announced that it will sell Derek Jeter’s retirement to the highest bidder.

“This is literally a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for some very lucky, very wealthy fan to own something totally unique,” said Steiner president David O. Smith. “Imagine inviting friends over to your house, casually pointing up to your mantle, and being able to show off Derek Jeter’s retirement.”

When pressed for details about what exactly a hypothetical collector might tangibly receive by buying the retirement, an incredulous Smith said, “the collector will be getting the golden years of one of baseball’s greatest stars.”

Of all time,” added Smith.

The monetization of a retirement is tricky to calculate, but early estimates from Forbes predict that Derek Jeter’s post-baseball life could have a valuation anywhere from the low nine figures to the low ten figures, depending on unpredictable factors such as overall market strength and how long the athlete ends up living after he is no longer playing baseball.

Report: Nobody Mistaking Shirley Temple for Laurence Fishburne

Temple-FishburneATLANTA, GA The Center for United States Studies on Race Relations released the findings of a groundbreaking survey today revealing that not one single person in the entire country mistakenly thought that former child mega movie star Shirley Temple, who has just died at the age of 85, was actually popular living actor and Super Bowl commercial veteran Laurence Fishburne.

“Modern Americans found that [Shirley] Temple, best remembered as a small white girl with red hair and an infectiously rosy personality, is fairly easy to distinguish from [Laurence] Fishburne, who is a physically large African-American gentleman with a deep voice and often plays mysterious, slightly threatening characters,” explained head researcher Dale von Whiten.

“We see this is as a big step forward in the national dialogue about race,” continued von Whiten.

The study was prompted after KTLA entertainment reporter Sam Rubin accidentally mistook actor Samuel L. Jackson for Fishburne in a live on-air interview.

At press time, the Center was preparing the findings of another important report in which it will be revealed that almost 27% of suburban white Americans can successfully delineate “most of the time” between photographs of President Barack Obama and photographs of popular Vaudeville performer Al Jolson in his signature blackface makeup, up from 25.5% three years ago.

Curt Schilling Already Tired of Sports-Themed Cancer Fighting Mantras

“Holy crap, you guys, just knock it off,” begs exhausted athlete.

24646856_SAPROVIDENCE, RI Three-time World Series hero Curt Schilling, who just announced yesterday that he is now battling cancer, is already experiencing fatigue over the number of athletically-inspired aphorisms friends, family, and fans have begun sending him by way of encouragement.

“If I hear one more person tell me to ‘strike out cancer,’ I think I’m gonna scream,” said a clearly distressed Schilling. “Ditto for ‘deal the Big C a Big K,'” continued the 1993 NLCS MVP.

The veteran of 19 MLB season with five different clubs will also “completely and totally lose it” if he hears anything about “one more big game.”

At press time, Schilling’s oncologist was rumored to be preparing for an upcoming appointment by creating an explanation of treatment chart that contains familiar baseball phrases like “spring training,” “attack the strike zone,” and “day/night double-header.”

Squalid Conditions Cause Terrorists To Cancel Planned Sochi Attacks

“What a shithole,” says al-Quaeda operative

n-SOCHI-GAMES-largeSOCHI, RUSSIA Responding to toxic water supplies, scarce electricity, and tens of thousands of stray dogs roaming the Olympic village, major terrorist organizations have called off operations to disrupt the Winter Games.

“Half of the hotels look like they’ve already been bombed,” explained a press representative for the Chechnyan Liberation Army. “And the other half are little more than diseased, vermin-infested bordellos with no clean water.”

“We were going to detonate a biological weapon and blame it on the Iranians,” said Syrian president Bashar al-Assad. “But look – there are huge piles of dog turds everywhere.”

“I mean, everywhere,” continued al-Assad.

“I heard that the pestilential Western infidel reporters are having to sleep in the cum-soaked beds of prostitutes with no internet, no electricity, no towels, no clean water, and not even a decent cup of coffee,” said al-Quaeda top lieutenant Nasser al-Wuhayshi. “The best way to make the unbelievers suffer is to force them to endure every interminable second of this torturous Russian hospitality. The attacks are canceled.”

At press time, several terrorist organizations were seriously considering sending aid to the Sochi area.

Biggest Loser in Bill Nye Debate

BillNyeDebatePETERSBURG, KY More than three hundred million Americans were big fat losers last night following a live debate between Bill Nye “The Science Guy” and the controversial founder of Answers in Genesis and The Creation Museum, Ken Ham.

“You weren’t there so you don’t really know,” explained Ham as concrete irrefutable support of creationism, trumping, in his mind anyway, pretty much the entire history of scientific observation, testing, and reasoned thought.

Early reports indicate that the “debate” substantially reduced the nation’s aggregate intelligence.

At press time, the United States continued to rank 29th in student mathematical performance as measured against all other industrialized nations.

Mayor de Blasio Botches Groundhog Day 2014

groundhog-day-2014-staten-island-chuck-makes-his-prediction-9bf663378e8eeac2STATEN ISLAND, NY Mayor Bill de Blasio’s attempt at a Snow Miser end-around with an appeal to the mythical groundhog failed miserably today when he accidentally dropped the animal in the midst of talks about whether or not it would see its shadow.

“At this point we’re running out of ideas,” explained a frustrated aide to the mayor when asked about stopping the snow that continues to fall on New York City.

At press time, minions of the Snow Miser were decorating midtown with banners that read “Mayor de Blizzardo.”

Wealthy White Man Assures Nation’s Women They’re Doing Fine

“You’ve got it really good, baby,” says guy in suit.

PaulWASHINGTON, D.C. A powerful, wealthy white man informed the nation’s women that as far as he knows they are collectively doing great things, making excellent salaries, and most importantly, not experiencing any gender-related disadvantages.

“There’s no reason to get your panties in a knot,” explained one of the country’s most prominent political leaders. “Why don’t you take the credit card and go get yourself something nice?”

“Maybe get your nails done. Treat yourself,” he continued.

At press time, the man was asking the nation’s women where he put his keys.

Congress To Crack Down On New York Yankees Outsourcing

Bronx Bombers Payroll Dominated By Japanese, Hispanic Immigrants.

Kuroda-300x225NEW YORK, NY Congress has announced it will launch an investigation into the controversial foreign services hiring practices of the New York Yankees in the wake of the seven-year, $155M contract announced today between the company and 25-year-old Japanese contractor Masahiro Tanaka.

“The American economy continues to struggle to add jobs, but the New York Yankees are happy to import foreign labor,” declared Representative Michele Bachman (R-Minnesota). “Congress cannot just sit idly by while perfectly good employment opportunities are being handed out left and right to immigrants.”

“Forty percent of the starting rotation are Japanese guys,” complained Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX). “That’s something like 360 innings a year that could easily be supplied by American workers.”

“And they have another 60% of the rotation that’s Hispanic!” continued the Senator. “Are you telling me there’s not a single white guy who can start a game at pitcher for the New York Yankees? This is disgraceful.”

The preliminary findings of Congress include recent Yankees employees originating from Puerto Rico, the Dominican Republic, Curaçao, Venezuela, Panama, Japan and Canada.

“Why is there a Canadian playing for the Yankees? Shouldn’t that guy be playing hockey?” asked House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio). “Something’s going on here.”

Yankees President Randy Levine was quick to point out that by hiring foreigners the team actually supports the local economy, as important jobs are created that might otherwise not exist.

“Most of these guys need translators, they need lawyers to help them clear their immigration paperwork, and all of [these foreigners] need financial planners on account of the absurd amounts of money we’re paying them,” explained Levine. “That’s a whole army of jobs for New Yorkers that otherwise wouldn’t be available.”

At press time, rumors were circulating that the impending Congressional investigation would interfere with the franchise’s plans to launch an Anime television series on Telemundo called “El Tanaka Suprémo.”

New York City, Snow Miser Negotiations Collapse

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NEW YORK, NY Tense negotiations between newly inaugurated Mayor Bill deBlasio and the entity known as the Snow Miser ended today when city representatives refused to give any ground on demands for additional skating rinks in city parks.

The metropolis was immediately engulfed by a snowstorm.

“Given our recent economic hardships and the continuing fight to keep essential services such as police and schools open for business, there is just no way we can acquiesce to Snow Miser’s unreasonable requests for an ice palace in Central Park or a ski lift in Herald Square,” said a city spokesperson.

Asked for comment on the negotiations, representatives for the Snow Miser sang, in four-part harmony and accompanied by an impressive tuba section, “I never want to see a day that’s over forty degrees. I’d rather have it thirty, twenty, ten, five and let it freeeeEEEEEEeeze!”

At press time, half an inch of snow had already accumulated in Central Park.

NOAA Weather Forecasts Recommend Alexandra Daddario To Prevent School Closings

“Because she’s really hot,” explains meteorologist

urlWASHINGTON, D.C. The nation’s weather bureau today strongly recommended that citizens of the Northeast turn to “True Detective” star Alexandra Daddario and her recent nude scene as a viable way of beating the extreme cold and blizzard conditions caused by yet another polar vortex.

“Alexandra is pretty smokin’ in those scenes,” said lead forecaster Brent Gaskell at today’s surprise press conference. “The opposite of cold is hot, and we figure the American public can pretty much take it from there.”

This is the first time NOAA has used the nude human figure as a public advisory since the controversial Fabio “beat the heat” campaign of the early ’90s, which attempted to capitalize on the romance novel figure’s “coolness.”